Wednesday, May 19, 2010

It Could Always Be Worse, ThunderThighs

“Mama I want tiny thighs like THAT little girl,” Maya said.

We were at the park today. Maya is five.

“But I LOVE your thighs, Baby!” I said.

“Well I don’t. I want really skinny, tiny thighs.”

“But WHY? You are perfect! Your legs are gorgeous!”

“ I don’t like them.”

“But Mommy likes HER thighs. And my thighs are NOT skinny.”

“I don’t like your thighs.” She wrinkled her nose.

I laughed. “You DON’T?”

“NO. How can I get tiny thighs like THAT little girl.”

I watched a super scrawny little girl run by on toothpicks.

“Honey, I don’t even know how she manages to function properly on those pathetic excuses for legs.”

She laughed.

We had a convo about being healthy. I told her the importance of eating well and exercising everyday (which she does). I told her all about the dangers of anorexia and bulimia. I told her she was beautiful and that her thighs were perfect. I told her to be grateful for her healthy body.

She said, “Uh huh. If I run around really, really fast will my thighs get super skinny?”

She ran off.

I was tempted to re-think the whole I Like My Thighs argument. I was tempted to immediately do jumping jacks and run in place and then sprint to the bathroom and shove a finger down my throat in an effort to reduce my freakishly large thighs. My legs now looked thunderous and over-whelming.

I’m never gonna eat again! I thought. Never.

I recovered 30 seconds later. I still like my thighs.

I’m super bummed this is how Maya feels because it will only get worse as she grows older and reads my tabloid mags. I will build her up until I’m blue in the face but the world will tear her down.

People are crazy obsessed about fat. People are crazy obsessed about being SKINNY. Not just women. Men are just as obsessed! Men are just as sensitive.

Are YOU super sensitive about your body? Maybe you should just be grateful, ya know? Sure, maybe you could dispense a quart of cottage cheese directly from your posterior but IT COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE! You could have been born with two heads or three eyes or severe halitosis.

I suppose if you are a mother of small children two heads and three eyes would actually be quite helpful. “I have eyes in the back of my head” or “I can SEE you!” would take on a whole new meaning.

But what about the halitosis? Huh? What if your breath was so bad it literally caught people’s hair on fire when you spoke to them?

So see… maybe you should just be happy with your defective body. Men with guts large enough to house an entire Canadian should just be happy they don’t have some other malady, like a thick blanket of hair on their foreheads that grows back immediately after shaving.

I mean, so what if you resemble a beach ball more than you resemble a Barbie doll!  Will people judge you harshly just because you're over-weight?!  The answer is YES.  But you should still be happy and grateful.

I feel that if you are eating healthy foods and truly exercising your little heart out and you’re STILL a lumpy mess you should just accept it! Put a smile on!  Let's see that double chin!

I wanted to prove to Maya I was Ok with my body as it is so I ate an entire package of chocolate Zingers, which I will vomit the moment she isn’t looking.

Sensitivity about weight can actually be quite dangerous.

GET THIS! Some dude named Rodney Kirk was chillin’ with his mom and his fiancee, Kandice Sue Smith on October 6th. The women were teasing him about his weight. So he took a gun and SHOT HIS FIANCEE (allegedly)!

The cops asked him who shot Kandice. He replied, “Evidently the gun.”

I'm not kidding here!

I told Maya all about the article in the hopes she would see how insane some people can be regarding their body issues.

She said, “Well maybe his sweetheart shouldn’t have called him FAT!”

Oh boy. We have A LOT of work to do here.