Monday, May 17, 2010

The Blame Game

Arson! Someone burned down four churches in Tucson this month! Can you believe this crap?!

The cops have labeled it a “hate crime”. So I was thinking to myself, WHO would HATE churches so much they would BURN THEM DOWN?! Churches are GOOD. They help us be better people. They encourage selflessness, honesty and pot luck dinners.

Then my mind flashed briefly to a scene from the pews of my own church. The recent memory involved a very frazzled mother holding a wiggling, wailing toddler in her outstretched arms. She threw the unhappy child to an equally unhappy father and said, “You take him! I can’t control this kid!”

My mouth dropped open. Surely she didn’t mean to use the word “control” in reference to another human being, did she?? Or DID she?

This kind of exchange is not unfamiliar to me. I’ve seen it time and time again.

A child who would much rather be rolling around outside in the mud and searching for frogs and eating cat poop is quietly sitting in church. She suddenly decides she has had enough of her itchy, pink, taffeta dress and patent Mary Janes. So she begins to make a fuss.

Her parents, who don’t want anyone to know they are not actually saints but HUMAN instead, PINCH the child. Under their breaths you can hear them threaten, “If you don’t sit still and learn to be like Jesus we will kill you when you get home.”

The child who hopes for a long and prosperous life eventually learns to control her wiggles and giggles. THEN WHEN SHE GROWS UP SHE SNAPS AND BURNS DOWN FOUR RANDOM CHURCHES.

So you see, it is ALWAYS THE PARENT’S FAULT.

When my children grow up it will be MY FAULT. I can’t wait to see what I’ve produced.

I recently got a four page, hand written letter from SOMEONE. SOMEONE told me all the things I am doing wrong as a mother. This SOMEONE also made sure to include all the things he/she has done right and BETTER than me.

I was actually quite appreciative of the letter because it was written in longhand which is rare in this day and age. SOMEONE took great pains to make me feel like crap. Nice.

I REALIZE I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. But neither does SOMEONE.

Kids are like science experiments. You build a fake volcano in a shoebox, then you pour in the stuff that makes it explode, then you have SEX and voila! A BABY emerges!

Then the baby grows up a little and says, “No!”

To which you intelligently respond, “Yes!”

Then baby says, “Nuh uh!”

Then you say, “Uh huh!”

Then you pay for baby’s college tuition and buy it a car.

I like to use reverse psychology on my kids a lot. Why not, right? When they grow up we’ll see what happens.

For instance, when my kids misbehave I have been known to say, “You knock that off or you will NOT be going to the church activity tonight.”

Then they BEG, “Please! Please, Mom! I promise I’ll be good!” (I’m dead serious here.)

What are YOU doing to completely screw up your kids? Let’s play my game where we confess our sins anonymously, shall we? OOOOOO YES! LET’S! Tell me what you do (or don’t do) that will eventually lead your child to need several years of therapy. Or perhaps your children have ALREADY been to therapy because of you? What are your parenting crimes? PLEASE, PLEASE play my game! I need to know I’m not alone. (If you have no children I would like to hear how YOUR parents messed you up.)

Are you too critical? Do you let the TV raise your kids? Do you feed them mostly corndogs and fruit loops because it’s easier? Do you have no backbone? Raise your voice too much? Do you pinch them in church? There are oh so many ways to traumatize a child!


My husband has been out of town for over a week. He will be gone for most of next week too. Because we normally operate using the Good Cop, Bad Cop method I have been at a bit of a loss. NO ONE IS DRIVING THIS THING!

I let my daughter have a friend over to spend the night this weekend. All my kids went crazy and started killing each other and jumping off the roof of the house and setting my dogs on fire so I YELLED. I yelled pretty loudly. I scared them.

They all began to cry. Even the friend spending the night cried. I had not yelled at the friend and I think she felt left out. She even called her mother to pick her up. Her mother told her to suck it up and go to bed.

I immediately calmed down and cuddled and comforted each and every crying child. It sucked.

I was like, “Mommy doesn’t like to yell, my love, but when you step on Serena’s head and try to drown Tyson in the bathtub Mommy is just not sure what else to do….”.

I VERY RARELY yell. So I’m pretty sure this experience will be forever etched into their memories. I hope their therapists enjoy the story as much as I do.

I will sign off with a story I read in the Arizona Daily Star yesterday. In Ft. Lauderdale, Florida a woman is being charged for not putting her children in car seats. Apparently, she strapped them into the backseat with regular seatbelts and was on her merry way. She got into a rollover crash.

GET THIS! Her one and a half year old child, Jacob Mentor, was catapulted over an 18 FOOT WALL! He landed in a grassy backyard without a scratch!!!! How COOL is THIS! Can you IMAGINE his DELIGHT as he flew through the air with the greatest of ease without even having to wait in line for 4 hours to see Mickey Mouse? This was the best experience of his life!

All I’m sayin’ is NOTHING. I have no advice to give. I don’t know what I’m doing. Neither do you. Neither does SOMEONE. Neither did Jacob’s mom… and look how well he turned out.