Addictions are hard beat.
Shopping is mine. It’s not cool to shop anymore. But I just can’t seem to shake loose of the urge. When things get rough (which lately is EVERYDAY) I want the mental relief of a purchase.
I went to BUFFALO EXCHANGE.
I saw THE BAG.
My eyes bulged out of my head. I couldn’t BELIEVE what hung before me! My pulse quickened and my heart raced.
I had a convo with myself.
That bag is worth at least $700!
It’s priced at $95! It’s practically FREE!
It’s GREEN! You LOVE green!
It has FLOWERS! You LOVE flowers!
It says LOVE! You LOVE love!
It’s over-sized and slouchy! You LOVE over-sized and slouchy! (Not in PEOPLE, you understand. But in BAGS…)
It says LOVE! You LOVE love! (Sometimes I repeat things to myself to make sure I understand.)
You NEED love! YOU NEED THIS BAG!
I very calmly asked the tatooed chick with 34 facial piercings if she would be so kind as to allow me to hold the bag.
She said, “Oh… that green Ed Hardy bag?”
I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her. I wanted to shout,
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR SENSES COMPLETELY?!
DO I LOOK LIKE I WOULD BE CAUGHT DEAD IN ED HARDY? DO I LOOK LIKE KATE PLUS EIGHT TO YOU? THAT IS A LIMITED EDITION ISABELLA FIORE, YOU IMBESIL!
Instead, I caressed the bag and our souls were one. I had to have her. But I REFUSED to pay $95 (mostly because I didn‘t HAVE $95).
I decided to be an adult for maybe the first time in my adult life. Adult is a weird word, don’t you think? If you stare at it long enough like I just did, it starts to look like ‘a dolt’. Adult. A Dolt. An Adult Dolt. MOST adults are dolts. I still need to find that “I’m with stupid” T-shirt… Maybe I need those A.D.D. meds after all…
Where was I? Ah yes. I decided to be an adult.
I put THE BAG on hold and obsessed about it all day.
I like to obsess about frivolous things like green Love bags because then I don’t have room in my pea-brain to obsess about Super Serious Stressful Stuff. Ooooo alliteration! Ssssssssss… Sidewinder Snakes Slither Sleepily… Smutty Streetwalkers Saunter Sassily… Fun! Anywho…
I went home and was totally honest with myself.
I thought, Crys, you don’t need that bag! You can’t just spend $95 on a whim anymore! You MUST grow up!
Then I started looking in my closet for stuff to sell to Buffalo so I could OWN THAT BAG!
I was like, You don’t want THOSE shoes anymore! They make you look like an idiot. Sell them.
And I was like, You don’t want THAT dress anymore! Whenever you wash it you have to IRON it! Sell it.
(I actually really enjoy ironing because it creates order in a world full of chaos. Sometimes I iron bed sheets. I’m saving up for therapy so I can discuss my ironing issues…)
So I sold a bunch of crap that I don‘t wear anymore. And the reason I don’t wear that stuff anymore is because I SOLD it.
Guess how much I paid for my Isabella Fiore LOVE BAG?
Go ahead! Guess!
$15!
I’m a FREAKING GENIUS!
If I knew what $700 minus $15 was I would totally gloat.
