Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I AM Disneyland!

“Get up, Mom.”


“Get up and take us somewhere.”

“Uh uh.”

“We’re hungry.”

“You’ll live.” I put the pillow over my head and resumed sleeping.

I had a dream. I was a Ghetto Princess. Two street gangs fought over me. To the death. There were machine guns and lots of blood and dead gangsters wearing overalls and multi-colored bandanas around their heads. What could it mean?

My dream inspired my outfit today. Gap Over-Alls, enormous earrings and a an attitude.

My kids have officially been on summer vacation for 6 wonderful days now.

(I’m sorry but I must interrupt this post to tell you all that there is a woman here at this park wearing a HALF-SHIRT and her BELLY is literally HANGING over her cut-off Daisy Dukes. WWHHHHYYYYYYYY????????!!! I‘m really upset now.)

Where was I?

Oh yes.

Summer vacation as a Stay-At-Home-Mom ( I detest that term) is FUN! WEEEEEEE!

It’s ESPECIALLY fun when we are in a recession. I can get creative. There is none of this BORING, Hey I have lots of money to blow: LET’S GO TO DISNEYLAND!! Nope. I don’t even WANT to go to Disneyland. BABY, I AAAMMMM DISNEYLAND!!

My kids don’t need Disneyland when they have MEEEE! I’m their complete Disney package for FREE! They don’t need roller coasters! Instead I take them to the public park and give them SUPER-DEE-DUPER HYPER-STRENGTH UNDERDOGS on the swings. THEN I sing “BIPPITY-BOPPITY-BOO!” in the stupidest voice I can conjure. Then I do an equally stupid dance to support the stupid singing. AND IT’S ALLL FRREEEEE! Free of charge!

I have been taking my spoiled children to all the public hot spots that are FREE (to the public, which is an elite group I am a member of…).

Where was I? Ah yes…

I take my children to THE PUBLIC POOL!!! And the PUBLIC LIBRARY!! And the PUBLIC PARK!!! And today we went to THE DOLLAR MOVIE!!!

When I was a kid I went to the public pool everyday. The water tasted salty. It was not a salt water pool. I’m not sure what that could mean.

But LOOK AT ME NOW! LOOK HOW WELL I TURNED OUT! I’m sure I have a much stronger immune system than the Spoiled Rotten Rich Kids who grew up with PRIVATE pools that only THEY peed in. I want the same humble upbringing for my own offspring.

I’m serious here. I want my kids to be survivors! Rich kids are WEAK, YO! I mean, can LOADS and LOADS of money REALLY make you happy? The answer is YES.

The entire world is in a recession and I think it’s GOOD! Everyone I know is tightening their belt. Everyone I know is trading sushi dinners for bologna and cheese sandwiches. There is no shame in that!

I think God is trying to humble and strengthen all of us. Less money means we focus less on Gucci and more on the Woah-Man Within, ya dig?

So, do you want to be WEAK and PATHETIC and pay full price for a movie like a sucker? Or do you want to be savvy and sassy and expose yourself and your little ones to women with enormous beer bellies in half-shirts and Daisy Dukes?


PS  In the picture below I am talking to my brother.  Hi Joe.  Usually I'm just a poser but this time someone actually wanted to talk to me.  Thanks Joe.