Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Southerners Eat Fried Shoes

Are you sensitive?  Do you chafe? Emotionally, I mean?  (I really don't want to hear about your rash that's been festering.  Get it looked at... Gross.  Why in the WORLD would you bring that UP right now?)

Sometimes I borrow the men's public potty when the lady's room is occupied.  (You know the bathrooms with only one room where you lock the door?  That kind.  Not the kind with urinals lined up from here to there.  Urinals are weird.)  When I borrow the men's potty I ALWAYS remember to put the seat right back UP... just the way I found it.  I'm not kidding here.

I'm very kind and delightful, you see.  I never hurt anyone's feelings.  Yet just about everyone hurts mine... 

Are YOU like that?  It's a really good thing we are having this convo.  You and I are a lot alike!  We are PERFECT and SWEET and COMPASSIONATE  and everyone else is NOT! PFT!

What's up with THAT???


"People from The South love fried food," said my good friend D.  She was born and raised in Atlanta. 

"Southerners are so programmed to love fried food if you fried up an old SHOE and cut it up and put it on a plate we would eat it and LOVE IT!"

"I only eat ORGANIC food," said her friend, Cindy.  "I'm from Napa Valley and I lived next to The Grateful Dead growing up so I only eat ORGANIC.  Fried food is disgusting!"

"Oh I KNOW!" said D.  "Fried food is like the religion of the south!  Fried chicken and Church!  Hush Puppies every Sunday!"

"Well THAT kind of food is full of cancer causing agents.  I don't TOUCH it!" said a wise Cindy.

D's mother was visiting from Atlanta.  She was privy to this exchange.

In her thick southern accent she spat at Cindy. "WE HAVE GROCERY STORES IN THE SOUTH TOO!  WE ARE NOT BACKWOODS HILLBILLIES!" 


D's husband had to comfort the hysterical southern belle as she wailed about Rednecks and Organic grapes and Fried Shoes.

Everyone walked away offended and The Devil was happy.
What a silly conversation!  If you break it down EVERYONE was at fault here.  EVERYONE WAS OFFENSIVE in some way.  Everyone did their part.

I'm sure YOU have never had silly conversation like this.  I CERTAINLY never have!

I am ALWAYS soooo CAREFUL about what I say and write.  Can I help it if people are offended?  Maybe they should quit being so sensitive!  You know what I'm saying here, right?

And MAYBE people should not hurt MY feelings with the MEAN things they say and do!  I don't get riled easily.  The only people that truly offend me are those I love the most!  You'd think they would know better!


Here's the thing.  We are ALL too sensitive and we are ALL too offensive.  That's the bottom line.

I've realized this about myself as of late.  I'm trying to be better.  I'm working on it.  It SUCKS to suddenly realize you're not as perfect as you thought.  It SUCKS to hold up a mirror and find something UGLY lurking back at you.

I LOVE to HATE being offended by my husband, mother, siblings, friends, and anonymous Mexican commenters on my blog that call me racist, which is ridiculous because I LOVE brown people and BEANS AND TORTILLAS! 

And I ALSO love saying what I feel like saying.  I pride myself on being REAL...   People don't like the truth sometimes because TRUTH HURTS!

I'm like, I just call it like I see it! Can I help it if everyone around me is a MORON?!  I'm just making an educated observation here.

Do YOU make "educated observations" like I do?  Are you usually right and living among the completely clueless?

Perhaps you and I should "do unto others", ya know?

I realize this post is all over the place.  I can't seem to pin it down.  I do believe this story has a twofold moral though.

Moral #1:

We are ALL JERKS!  (and need to knock it off and act like we love each other because WE DO!)

Moral #2:

If you expect your man to put the toilet seat DOWN so you don't fall in the frigid water in the middle of the night, which is literally a rude awakening.  Then you should remember to put the toilet seat up!  And then you will surely STILL fall in the frigid water in the middle of the night.

Like I said, Do unto others as you would have done to you.