OH NO! I'VE GOT THAT ITCH AGAIN!! I want my back scratched, yo! I CAN'T REACH! It's the Itchy and Scratchy Show up in here....
It's That Baby Itch. SCRATCH THAT! I WANNA GET KNOCKED UP! SSssssssssssoooooooo badly!
I just watched the new Jennifer Lopez with my sis. ( I LOVE Jennifer Lopez! She and I will be best friends in the next life... I just KNOW it! And some people say I look like her which is cool because she is GORGE... and if I look like her than WHY is SHE getting to make CD's and MOVIES and I am sitting HERE in Border's with a laptop next to a smelly guy who keeps clearing his throat and whispering sweet nothings to himself!?) She ends up with TWINS (both in the movie and in real life)! I'm so jealous! I ALWAYS wanted twins.
Coral and I were melting in the back row of the theatre the whole time. We were ridiculous,crying sista fools. We had our eight babies like a competition. She got preggo. Then i got preggo. Then I did. Then she did. And we kept going like that until somebody screamed UNCLE! I GIVE UP! Four little monkey's each. Perfect.
But we were like,
"Awwwww.... iiiiiiiiiiii want a bbbaaaaaaabbbbyyyy! I baby would fix EVERYTHING!" we said. And there were real tears.
It really would too.
And everytime the man in the flick got upset with her we would take turns saying, "KICK HIM TO THE CURB, JLO! You're pregnant! He's not treating you right!" But by the end we thought he was an ok guy.
A baby fixes EVERYTHING. When I had teeny babies I was always exhausted and blissful. Blissfully exhausted. The only thing that mattered was the next feeding or making Baby smile.
I do SUCH a good baby goo goo gaa gaa voice. That's when I am the softest and sweetest and most focused on what is important in life. A baby makes it all so clear!
I miss sleeping with an itty bitty human curled up between by breasts. I MISS that sweet little baby cry and sweet little baby poo. I ALWAYS had poo under my finger nails when I had babies. I never even noticed. I'm sorta proud-a that, ya know?
I never minded when my babies woke in the middle of the night with their bright, expectant, hungry eyes. It was just me and baby and the moon. I always whispered and giggled and cooed and sang at 2:43 am. I don't do that anymore.
I didn't mind that I was fat and I ALWAYS had vomit on the left shoulder of my over-sized T-shirts. I didn't mind anything but that baby.
Babies are my very FAVORITE thing in the whole world. I make friends with every woman I see in public with a baby in tow.
I'm like, "Awwwwwww.... What a SWEETHEART!" Some of those babies look like little old men but if they are old enough they ALWAYS smile at me with their little old man faces. Humble Toothless Smiles. If you're toothless and smile it automatically makes you humble.
Men don't understand this BABY HUNGRY feeling do they? I mean, they are programmed to propagate the species and all, but how long does THAT take? Hmmmm? I guess it depends... But the BURNING DESIRE for a laughing, crying,eating, pooping, and in most cases BALD little human is beyond them.
If you happen to be a man and find yourself reading this are you scratching your... head? Wondering why the women in your life would purposefully engage in that which will make them FAT, OVER-EMOTIONAL AND EXHAUSTED BEYOND REASON? I'll try to explain...
Pretend you are STARVING and your stomach cramps and aches for nurishment and there is no food to be had.
Pretend your throat and mouth are parched and dry and all you want is one sip of water but you sudddenly find yourself in the Saraha.
Pretend THE GAME is on and you can't watch it because the TV is on the fritz... so you just SIT THERE... KNOWING that everyone you know is watching the game BUT YOU!
Pretend you were shot in the chest with a 30 aut 6 and you have this gaping, bleeding wound and you are all alone and there is no way to patch this mess up...
Yeah... that's the best way I can explain it. The ache just COMES. It wipes away everything else you thought you wanted. It's Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, ya know...? And BABY is at the base of it all.
Women don't ASK for this. It just happens. Just like you don't ASK to be hungry or thirsty or desirous of physical affection... Just like you didn't ask to be shot through the chest with a rifle...
A baby would lay right on top of that gaping rifle wound and fill it.
Do you see?
What sucks for me is that for one personal reason or another I will most likely NOT bring any more humans into the world with my own personal body. I've got that 30 aut 6 hole in my chest and there is just no filling it.
People say, But you ALREADY have FOUR!
So?
My Granny had NINE! She has joked she kept having them just to see what they looked like. My Abuelita had EIGHT! My grandmothers are now old and as they look back on their lives what do you think is most important to them? THAT'S RIGHT! Their BABIES. All 17 of them.
I think Obama should have another baby. And every world leader and every politician and every money monger and everyone on this planet. I really really really think a baby would fix it all.
Happy Mother's Day.
