So I woke up today and thought, 'Wait a minute here! WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE! I'VE GOT FOUR KIDS! What the?????!!!! How the HELL did this happen?!'.
Then my husband walked in and I thought, 'and I'M MARRIED?!'
Then I heard a dog whimpering to go outside and I thought, 'DOGS TOO?! I'M IN CHARGE OF A LARGE MAN, FOUR CHILDREN AND DOGS?!'
Then I thought, 'I'm not READY for this! I'm a disaster! I don't know what the hell I'm doing! I am hopelessly flawed! I can't be trusted to to run this operation! If I were on a ship I'd JUMP!'
Then I thought, 'I'm SOOOOO not getting up today. I'm just not gonna get up. I QUIT!'
So I said, "I'm going to need you to please take the kids to school today. I'm closed."
My husband looked confused. "You're closed?"
"Yup. I'm closed for business." He tried to rebut. I put the blanket over my head and that was that. (I never do this, by the way... I couldn't help it today. I was closed. When you're closed, you're closed. Sorry Charlie.)
I eventually did get up. My husband had to go to work and I needed to care for the pre-schooler when she got home.
When I got up I realized the house was a mess and smelled like ASS. But as I mentioned before, I was closed for business.
I took Maya outside to ride her bike. She fell off her bike and began to wail. I scooped her up like a tiny baby.
"Do you know how much I love you?" I asked as I kissed her face.
"Yes." She sniffed.
"How much?"
"You would do anything for me." She said.
"Even what...?" I asked.
"You would even DIE for me," she smiled.
"That's right."
We have this exchange everyday lately. She always smiles when she says 'DIE'. I realize it's a bit morbid, but it's the truth.
As I held her I had a thought. Do you know what is even harder than dying for your child? LIVING for your child.
Nobody ever told me how hard it would be. Nobody really explained how much of myself I would have to sacrifice. Nobody prepared me for the constant exhaustion or the fact I would COMPLETELY lose my mind. Has anyone but me noticed I'm a RAVING LUNATIC?! (Don't answer that.) I've always been a nut but it's getting WORSE. (Coping mechanism?)
I became very pensive. My own parents came to mind. I started feeling guilty. I RUINED their lives! Daddy wanted to be a rockstar. Mom was in the military for 7 years. If I hadn't come along she could be happily bossing around hundreds of people today!
I was grumpily contemplating the injustice of life when guess who showed up? MY PARENTS! So wierd. They NEVER come over during the middle of the day unannounced.
They hugged me.
"I'm having a bad day," I said.
"You should try smiling," said Daddy.
"Can't."
Mom began to remind of the importance of prayer. (Typical.) Dad hopped on a pink little girl's bike and started riding around with Maya. (Again, typical.) Whenever Mom starts a serious discussion Dad inevitablely does something silly. Usually he makes monkey faces and scratches his armpits... I smiled. Then I laughed. (Raving lunacy must run in the family.)
I looked at my parents through different eyes today. I pretty sure no one warned them either. There is no way to prepare someone for the trials and difficulties that come along with marriage and children. But they did a good job.
I'm SPECTACULAR! I ended up with Daddy's height, love of music, pleasant demeanor, fun-loving manner, long-suffering, unwavering faith in God, cheek bones, sense of humor and passion. I inherited Mom's bangin' figure, love of literature and art, intelligence, coloring, desire for perfection, generousity, leadership skills, sense of humor and passion.
This is the part where I'm supposed get all mushy and gooshy and say I love my children more than I love myself and it's all worth it and the only thing that matters in life is the happiness of my family. I should also say I'm uber grateful to my parents for changing my diapers and giving up their dreams for me. However, I don't feel like saying all that crap cause I'M CLOSED. (I'm thinkin' it though...)
PS My daddy looks like Indiana Jones. :)
