Monday, December 28, 2009

Talk Nerdy To Me, Baby

Have you ever dated a gorgeous moron?  I have.

When I was in college I found a boy with such a sweet face I suffered from chronic toothache.  He was beautiful to look at.  He was a lean, 6 foot 4 inch athlete.  I could stare at him all the day long.

The problem was whenever he opened his mouth to speak I literally winced.  Doh! It pained me so.  I was always tempted to say, "Shhhh.  Just sit there and look pretty for me...". 

I didn't know how to introduce him to my sister.  I knew what the verdict would be.

When he walked in the room she muttered, "Pretty."  As soon as he began to speak she scoffed under her breath, "Sell out."

Yeah.  I sold out.

Whenever we went to social gatherings he would inevitably pull out his dizzying arsenal of "Yo Mama" jokes which he delivered with gusto, pride and loud laughter. 

Now, I like 'Yo Mama' jokes as much as the next ghetto child, but they must be original and off the cuff to impress me.  His were the same tired lines every time.

"Yo mama's so white, you don't need a night light."  Groan.

"Yo mama's so stupid, she spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said 'concentrate'." Ugh.

"You mama's so so fat, her belly button has an echo."

"Yo mama's so fat, she's on both sides of the family."

Ok, so the last two are pretty stinkin' funny.  But imagine hearing them at every social gathering for months! 

Poor thing.  It's all he had to work with.

The unfortunate lad fell in love with me.  He also asked if I could use small words when I spoke to him because it made him feel bad when I said "all those big, long college words" he didn't know.

Alas, I cut him loose.  Gave him his walking papers.  I felt it such a shame throwing away a perfectly good pretty boy like that.

I had to be honest with myself.  (As I always am.) I realized that one day gravity and the Dunkin Doughnuts he loved would take hold and his looks would go.  Then what?  Once his physical beauty was gone I'd be stuck with a protruding belly and an unlimited supply of 'Yo Mama' jokes.  Could YOU live with that??

I'm not saying I'm some sort of genius.  But there is a lot to be said for mental stimulation.

The people I spend the most time with are those that stimlate my mind.  I get a thrill from a fast paced, intelligent convo.  Banter is fun.  The quick-witted always perk my attention.

My siblings are the best when it comes to intellectual banter.  We are all TOTAL book nerds.  We rip each other to threads (all in good fun, of course).

I constantly devour book after book in order to remain a worthy opponent.  They do the same.  The first question on any of our lips is always, "What are you reading right now?".  On your mark! Get set!  Go!

These are the books on my bedside table this very moment.  I carry at least two books in my purse at all times and pull them out at stoplights because I can't stand to be idle.

I love to learn.  Learning and discussing new and exciting ideas is a huge turn on.  I also enjoy discussing old and classic ideas.  I try to learn something new everyday.  Since the glory of God is intelligence I focus on the constant expansion of my mind.

In lieu of 'Yo Mama' humor throw me a little Plato, Dante, Bronte, Shakespeare or the newly popular Malcolm Gladwell.  Rather than potty humor let's discuss good music, current events, thought provoking art, Theology, or Greek Mythology (one of my FAVE subjects).

Wanna know what I learned today?

 The University of Wisconsin did some research on REM sleep.  It's said  that people can actually master the art of shaping their own dreams!  Cool, huh?  Also, if you're not sure if you're awake or dreaming you should look for a mirror.  If you are dreaming, your reflection will always be different than you expect.

This is my best nerd look.  I don't actually wear glasses.  Well, I guess that statement isn't entirely accurate, is it? I mean clearly the glasses are on my face.  What I mean to say is the lenses are benign.  These glasses are a prop. I wore them all day today.  I think I look extra super smart.

PS  Yo mama so stupid she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.