Thursday, December 31, 2009

South Paw

Once when I was in third grade my teacher smacked my left hand and said, "Your handwriting is a MESS! You really need to practice more!"  I felt bad about my crappy handwriting.  I was the only lefty in the class.  I felt like maybe there was something wrong with me.

My handwriting is STILL a mess.  But now I embrace it.

I'm left handed.  I'm pretty proud of that fact.  So tonight I did a little research regarding lefties, in order to decipher how truly gifted and special I am.

I realize very few of you are left handed.  I write to a small audience of lefties.  Let's see... My dad is left handed (Hi DAD!) and my cousin Kim is left handed (I'm not sure that she's speaking to me after the Halloween fiasco... long story).  And there might be one or two of you that unbenownst to me are also left handed.

There are only 10% of us in the world!

So like I mentioned I did a little research to see what I might find regarding my own kind.  This is what I found:

In many parts of the world the left hand is considered "unclean".  Some cultures use the left hand to clean themselves with water after they have defecated. 

WHAT?!  Gross. 

In Hebrew the left hand symbolized the power to shame society and was used as a metaphor for misfortune or natural evil.  A punishment from the Gods.

Shame shame I know your name.

Modern English "left" came from an Old English word that means "weak".

Weak weak don't make a Squeak  (I'm rhyming)

Among children with Autism and other developmental disabilities  there is a higher proportion of left handers  than in the population as a whole.

Wrong!!!!!!!!!!! That's not true at ALL.  I only accept favorable statistics regarding lefties.  Liars.

As I read I came to understand that we South Paws are disadvantaged.  We should get our own Left handed parking spots and food stamps or something.  We are a minority and our needs are not being met!

It is said of Lefties that we die years sooner than right handed people.  We DIE sooner?!  Wha???  So I thought, wow, I wonder what disease would be responsibe  for that statistc.  No disease at all!  In fact  lefties die at the hand of power tools made for a right handed person.  Now, I have no need for power tools so I am  not at risk.  But for those of you who use power tools often BE CAREFUL!  Just a word to the wise.

There are all kinds of stuff that messes us lefties up.  For instance, most video cameras have the strap on the right side of the camera which leads to shakey video capturing.  How much does THAT suck?  You're trying to capture little Johnny's first baseball game and your hand is shakin like an alchohlic in need of a fix.

Do you SEE the injustice that has been wrought up our people?  I say something MUST be done!

Another slight on our kind are Bull Pop rifles.  Get this!  If the gun is not reconfigured for a lefty, empty shells would be ejected fast and straight into the shooter's face and cheek!  Yeah!  Lefties get shot in the face just because they are lefties!  Appalling.

Positive view of South Paws:

In Ireland left handedness is called a "ciotogach"  (kitt-OGH-och) in the Irish language.  Ex.  "She gave him a slap of the ciotogach after he insulted her."

I like it.  I will use it often.  CIOTOGACH is my new fave word.  When my children try to drink my Diet coke I'll just give them a slap of the old ciotogach!  Classy.

Here is a list of smarty pants that were lefties:

Albert Einstein,  Beethoven, Benjamin Franklin,  Joan of Arc,  Julius Ceasar, Leonardo da Vinci, Mark Twain, Michelangelo, Napolean, Pablo Picasso, Queen Victoria.

And we cannot leave out the genuis that is PAUL McCARTNEY!!!!!

I think I could totally chill with this group of over acheivers.  I'd fit right in...

Chris McManus of University of College London says left handers are responsible for a huge leap in advances in mathematical, sporting and artisitic geniuses.

Left handed men are said to be 15% richer than right handed men for those who attended college and 26% richer if they graduated.

Homosexual individuals are somewhat more likely to be left handed than heterosexual individuals. Interesting.

That's all the bits and pieces I found noteworthy.  I choose to accept all the positive statistics as facts.  Anything that paints lefties as subpar I consider superflous information.

Which means to say, I am creative and I excel at mathematics and my verbal skills are above average.  All in all I'm pretty amazing.  I'm totally gonna PEACOCK for a minute 'cause I deserve it!  I mean, as a repressed lefty who was abused as a child for the very thing that now raises me above the masses of right handed wanna-bes  I am overwhelmed with pride.