Sunday, December 13, 2009

CUTTER (Very dark fiction)

She had been very productive that morning.  Children had been sent off to school with healthy lunches in hand.  Her husband had been sent off to work with a kiss.  She had taken freshly baked bread to the nursing home as she did every Tuesday.  Her house sparkled and smelled of furniture polish and vanilla.  Laundry was folded.  Chicken breast thawed in the sink for that night's dinner.  Yes.  She had accomplished a lot.

She always accomplished a lot.  She gave service everywhere she saw it was needed.  People knew they could count on her.  She could never say no.

She always had a smile frozen on her face for all to see.  She certainly wouldn't want to make anyone uncomfortable by frowning.  What good would frowning do her? 

She had always done what was expected.  She was a good girl.  She always did the right thing.  She walked the tight rope before her and never faltered.

People always saw her as perfect. She liked that.

When she was finally done with her duties for the morning The Darkness swallowed her.  It always swallowed her whole without apology.  No one knew about The Darkness.  From childhood The Darkness would envelope her when she least expected.  She was afraid of the dark because of The Darkness that continually sought her destruction.

She smiled for the world so no one would see her fear.

With The Darkness came pain and demons flew about her head and laughed loudly.  They taunted her and willed her to fall from her tight rope.  They reminded her of the wild heart that beat frantically in her chest.  They instilled in her a longing to be free from the retraints of society and religion and family.  Pain was often unbearable.  She silently screamed the whole day long. She silently screamed as she baked bread and made lunches and kissed her husband goodbye.

Love was slippery in her hands.  Love seemed to elude her grasp at every turn.  She ached to hold onto Love but Love can be a flighty sprite.  The Darkness chased Love from her view and it was gone.  She searched high and low for Love but Love would melt away like a snowflake on her tongue.

The Darkness made her feel heavy and slow.  She staggered under the weight of the yoke about her neck.  Her limbs were cement appendages, almost impossible to lift.  The demons spun in her mind and Pain was lightening in her hollow breast.

She prided herself on always having sharp knives in her kitchen.  It made cooking so much easier.  She only bought the very best knives and sharpened them herself on the most quality wetstone available.

She found herself in her kitchen that morning in need of that sharpness.  Pain overcame her until she could bear it no longer.

She removed her favorite knife from it's sheath.  She neatly placed a fluffy red hand towel from Nordstrom's on her spotless kitchen floor and sat down gingerly upon it. 

She wore a light cotton skirt in emerald green. Green was said to be a soothing color.  It had yet to soothe her.  She gently lifted her skirt up to expose her smooth, firm thighs.

She took the knife in her left hand and firmily and easily sliced the center of her right thigh.  The relief was immediate.  She breathed a sigh as she watched warm red liquid fill the gash and run down her perfect leg onto the fluffy red hand towel from Nordstrom's.  Red was her favorite color.

The fiery burn of her self-inflicted wound sent Pain from her chest away.  When she concentrated on her leg The Darkness was no longer a cloud surrounding her.  The moment steel met flesh the demons were pacified.  All was quiet and still.  The racing of her wild heart slowed and she felt whole.

Again she sighed relief.  She bled Love and thought, "I bleed Love for all of you."  She thought of her children and husband.  She thought of her parents and siblings and their families.  She thought of the ladies at church that held her on a pedistle.  She thought of the community at large and all those within that knew she could be counted on.  She bled Love for all of them.     

She had come to understand that only by bleeding Love could she quell her desire to fall from her tight rope.  When she bled Love it was no longer cold and slippery but warm and within her grasp.  She could control the Love she bled.  She liked that.

When enough red Love had seeped into the fluffy hand towel from Nordstrom's she gently pressed the towel to her thigh.  She sat there a moment enjoying The Throb. She was grateful for The Throb that took away The Darkness and Pain.

When Love stopped it's flow she stood up carefully.  She adjusted her skirt and rinsed the stained knife in the sink.  She always cleaned up after herself.

At noon she had an appointment with the president of the P.T.O. to discuss the upcoming cookie dough fundraiser.  She hoped she could contribute her services and make this the best year ever.