I am an omnivorous reader. I'll read anything. I love words. I love books. A good way to piss me off is to deface a book in my presence.
I started a book group 5 years ago. It is still going strong! I'm really quite proud. We meet every month and take turns hosting. We discuss the book and life. We eat and laugh sometimes even cry. Sometimes there are heated battles which totally cracks me up.
Tonight was our annual gift exchange. I brought my camera because now I have a blog and I must be prepared at all times. (People are actually reading this! It's amazing when random people quote me to me! Love that!)
All the chicks in my book group are Mormon. (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) I'm really kind of a Mormon Wild Card. I scare myself when I'm around these civilized people because I never know what is going to come out of my mouth. I try to behave myself but I find it difficult.
We had our lovely gift exchange. Then I said, "Hey I brought my camera to take some pictures for my blog."
Lori takes this as a perfect opportunity to advertise my blog to those who have not read it yet.
"Crystal's blog is really funny because she likes to say boob and butt."
Crickets chirped. Some Mormon women find "boobs" and "butts" highly offensive. Everyone looked a little nervous and a couple girls frowned.
I couldn't help myself. I said, "I NEVER say BOOB or BUTT! BOOBS are highly offensive! I think joking about anatomy is BASE and WRONG. I mean, I might call someone a BOOB if they were a BOOB but I wouldn't tell you about my own personal BOOBS! And I certainly wouldn't show you one!"
Lori and I laughed hysterically. Several women looked at the floor disapprovingly.
Lori said, "I love your blog because you totally take pictures of yourself. It's like 'HEY LOOK AT ME I'M CRYSTAL AND I'M COMFORTABLE IN MY SKIN. I'M POSING FOR A LOT OF PICTURES!' It's like there's 96 pitures of you then one tiny picture of Tyson in a wig! HAHAHAHA! That is SOOOO you. People that don't know you would think you're so stuck on yourself! HAHAHAHA!
Lori makes me laugh til it literally hurts. Then I gasp, "It hurts! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Lori says, "You always come unglued around me. People think you're all glamourous and I make you turn into a total goof!" It's true. People do think I'm glamourous. :p
I sat on Lori's lap and dug my BUTT bone into her THIGH (not sure why I capped thigh).
Lori said, "Act like we're really having a good time."
Then Lori directed a photo shoot. I snapped pics with the craziest girls in book group. The rest of the women remained calm and controlled and had civilzed discussions regarding pregnancy and Relief Society.
At one point they caught my attention by discussing CONCUBINES in the bible.
Someone said, "How do you explain CONCUBINE to a child?"
Lori said, "Tell them it's like a fancy PORCUPINE with a pretty dress on."
Blahahaha! I love rhyming! Porcupine and concubine? Awesome!
Harmony and I were beside ourselves with glee as we posed for photos.
I said, "Suicide by poinsetta.. They are poisonous if you eat them so I'll just lick one and see what happens."
Lori said, "Ok Harmony you pretend you're the sweet little lamb and Crystal, you be the dominatrix whore. HAHAHA! Those roles are so perfect for you two!"
Lori said, "Harmony, you be the sweet little kitty and crystal, you be the tiger."
We did sound effects. "Meow". "Roar".
Harmony said, "We're like Salt'n Peppa!"
I had my phone with me in case it rang. It didn't. We used it as a prop.
"Pretend something got run over."
Then I enlisted Taylor to join in the fun.
"Crystal. pretend you got a shocking text."
Then Taylor said, "Haha even your hair looks shocked!"
Yeah. My hair is totally wiggin. It gets all curly and crazy when I'm overly excited.
"Pretend you're pulling your hair out."
I like to keep my cell phone in my bra when I don't have pockets, in case it rings. See? Peek-a-boo.
It was the BEST book group I've ever been to! I laughed with wild abandon. I threw caution to the wind. My face hurt with the laughter. I have no need to work my abs tomorrow. They got a stellar workout tonight!
