I''m super de DUPER sick of all the belly aching I've done around these here parts in the last 24 hours. I was all like, BOO HOO WAAAH WAAAH SOMEBODY WAS MEAN TO MEEEEEEE..... NOW I'M GOING TO CRY AN ACTUAL RIVER SO EVERYONE WILL SAY NICE THINGS about how amazing i am AND CHEER ME UP!
I'm over it. I was only upset because I was very very ill and overwhelmed with sicky strep kids and also because Denise is a wicked witch with a b.
Dr. G saw me today.
"How are you? I haven't seen you in two years..." he said peering at his records with a furrowed brow.
"I've been healthy for two years," I smiled weakly.
He laughed. I can't say why.
Sometimes people laugh to fill in the gaps.
"I hope you have been getting a regular PAP and breast exam somewhere..."
"Oh. Yes. One must never neglect the PAP nor the very important breast exam," I said in a silly voice with a silly face.
He laughs again. But this time it's 'cause I pulled a funny.
I don't go to Dr. G for a PAP. He's too young and charming with lots of distinguished silver hair mingling with natural black. He's been my doc for 13 years.
No. No. Too weird. Thank you for offering though. I prefer a no nonsense older lady gyno for that particular job. The woman I go to for such matters delivered 3 of my children. She is very familiar with me in divers ways.
"What brings you in today?" he asked.
"I feel pretty yucky. That's the technical term."
He became serious and looked into my eyes with concern.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"All my children are being treated for strep. I have been taking care of them as they cough and throw up and breath on me fro two weeks now. I believe I have been compromised. I've been HIT!"
"Is your throat swollen?"
"I have no tonsils but if I had tonsils I believe they would be quite swollen."
"Your temp is normal."
"My tummy hurts."
"Hmmm. Ok. Deep breaths."
He listened to my lungs as I breathed deeply.
I imagined myself BURSTING out in song at that time in order to startle him... I would sing Dolly Parton's Jolene at the top of my lungs in true Dolly fashion.
"SHE TALKS ABOUT HIM IN HIS SLEEP AND THEIR'S NOTHIN I CAN DO TO KEEP FROM CRYIN WHEN HE CALL YOUR NAME...JOOOLENE!
How hilarious would that have been? I should have done it. Next time I WILL! YEAH!
I'm DYING to do a singing video for you all of my version of that song but my brother has advised against it. I may still do it. I sound VERY Dolly! I can DO DOLLY!
Alas I did not sing.
"Your lungs and chest are clear. I will have my nurse do a quick strep culture. It will take 3 to 4 minutes."
"I HATE those!"
We laughed.
"I know," he said.
The nurse came in with a 6 foot swabbing stick and a tongue depressor.
I whimpered. "I hate these... so much.... whimper...".
The nurse chuckled with her chuckle head. "Open your mouth real wide and stick out your tongue."
I did so with great mistrust.
The 6 foot swabber was rammed down my throat. It began to swab. I gagged. The swabbing continued for up an hour. Swabbing the left of the throat. Then the right. Back and forth the swabber swabbed. And there I was all the while, gagging and gagging and heaving and hoing with no recourse- all in the name of strep and science.
Once the swab was removed from my person, I coughed and tears streamed down my face. I can't say why. Do people normally cry when a 6 foot swabber has violated their throat hole?
Dr G returned.
"Your strep test has come back negative. I cannot give you any antibiotics. But if your symptoms worsen call me. I will write a script and send it to the pharmacy online."
"Yeah. Ok. But can I at least have some Ambien CR? I don't abuse it. Only like once a week. And I really like it. Whadda ya say?"
"I don't see a problem with that."
"AWESOME!"
He laughed. I left.
NOW I HAVE AMBIEN!!!! HEEEEEHEEEEEEE! YES! I am writing under the influence as we read. Oh yes I am. I will remember none of this come cock crow time.
I am only indulging today because after my Dr visit I slept all the day long. In order to go to bed at a decent hour I must indulge. YAY! I love that pill! It makes me feel happy and loose. And FREEEEEE!! heeheeeheee.
My sweet sweet man took care of dinner this evening, as I was too ill with no strep to speak of. He took the kiddos to school. He picked them up. He even brought dinner home.
Daddy was the HERO OF THE DAY when he came gallopin' in with two bags full of burgers and animal style fries.
"HOOORAAAYYY!" We shouted with glee. "HOORAYYY FOR AVOIDING A HEALTHY HOME COOKED MEAL MADE BY MAMA! WE ARE SORRY SHE IS SICK BUT THIS WILL HEAL US UP NICELY!
The Troops could not believe their luck. Burgers? On a Thursday?
Despite the serious looks on our faces we are delighted with the unexpected, greasy meal.
I have to admit my burger left something to be desired. Nothing tastes as it should when one is ill. My burger was bitter and me thought me saw a fairy fly out from under the bun and do a dance upon a pickle. I picked at my food and more fairies emerged, grateful to be alive. I did not much enjoy my burger, but was soooo grateful to not have to cook.
Thank you to my sweet big strong man! How I love him and his gargantuan freakishly large... *cough*
...shoulders.
My favorite part of the evening was gathering together in the living room rather than at the dining table to enjoy, as a family, AMERICAN IDOL! I enjoy formal family dinners every night as much as the next guy but American Idol is a EVENT! Something to CELEBRATE! Did you watch it? I cried when that kid sang... the one that got bullied in school? He had heart. I really did well up...
In other news my dog needs a hair cut. I too need a haircut. I can only afford to do one of the options as per my budget. It's the dog or Me.
Lady is a lucky lucky dog. Tomorrow she will be groomed as a lady should. It's humiliating for her how fluffy she has become. What must all the other bitches be saying...?
I imagine she will direct the groomer in her educated English accent, "a little off the top... yes... and do be gentle with my ears... they are my mother's ears..."
I gotta go to bed now. See ya.
