Friday, July 20, 2012

Following Suit And WPM

I wore a one-piece bathing suit to the Wet'N'Wild last week.

I felt a bit grumpy and frumpy.  All the other cute, fit moms were showing off their tight abs in adorable little bikinis.  I used to be one of those moms.  I strutted and peacocked and preened.

But now I've decided to be a modestly dressed, one-pieced, respectable type of mom.  I am trying hard to follow the standards set by my church.  I'm not going to lie.  It's tough.  I LOVE cute Betsie Johnson funky two piece suits on me.  I really really do.  But I'm trying to be obedient for a change.

Obedience over vanity.  Imagine that!

There are probably lots of you not-Mormon people who are thinking, What's the big deal? Just wear the bikini if you think you look good in it!

There are probably some of you Mormon people thinking, Oh my WORD!  I can't believe you like to wear bikinis!  How immodest!  I would NEVER..."...

I thought good and hard about not writing the story I am about to divulge because people can be so uber judgey judgerson.

I even said to my husband, the love of my whole entire life, I said,

"This story is WAY too narcissistic.  I can't tell anyone about this.  Plus then people would know I have a major bikini problem... I can't have that!  ...I'd like to be Young Women's General President one day.  I should dress the part..."...

So last week I donned the serious one-piece suit to the Wet'N'Wild.  I thought I looked alright, I guessed. 

Then I saw a 70-ish year old lady wearing the EXACT same suit.  She and I were all matchy matchy.  I wanted to DIE.

"I'm wearing an old lady suuuuiiiiit!" I wailed.

"No, Mama.  That lady is wearing a suit too young for her," said my diplomatic Bella.

I avoided the lady for the rest of the day.

My family and I had a wonderful time!  We rode every single slide together.  Even the super scary ones.  I screamed and laughed and was beyond happy in my functional old lady suit.

Aside:  I must mention I love Water Park Mentality (WPM) regarding bodies.  At the typical water park one will see every size and shape and age of human imaginable wearing as little fabric as possible.  One will encounter exposed stretch marks, scars, cellulite, tattoos, weird moles, hairy backs, and cellulite. A veritable sea of cellulite.

The beauty?  Due to WPM, no one CARES!  It's WONDERFUL!  Everyone has exposed their scary physical secrets and nothing can be done now but to holler like a howler monkey as one jiggles his way down steep and swirly slides.  Liberating, to say the least.

Water parks are my Tiffany's.


I had all kinds of fun.  We slipped and slid from 11am- 9:30pm.  WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! (It was like that.)

When night rolled around I found myself stationed at the Lazy River under a street lamp (or river lamp, as the case may be).  I awaited my two lazy river babies to float toward me on their yellow inner-tubes. 

As I waited two handsome, athletic 16-year-old-ish rich kid lookin' boys floated past me.

"Woah!" said one, nudging the other.

The other looked up at me in response.

"Woah!" he said.  THEN he pointed right at me and stated, "YOU are PRETTY!"

"Yeah."  said the friend.  "You look like a MODEL standing there!"

The teen girls with them stared me up and down and gave me meanie stink eyes.  HOW GREAT IS THAT?!!! I'M OLD WITH 4 KIDS AND I HAVE A BIRTHDAY ON SATURDAY!

I blushed 10 shades of red and thanked the boys sincerely before they floated off.



If I had worn a little bikini and looked like everybody else maybe they wouldn't have thought I was anything special.  But I WAS special.  I followed the rules and I was BLESSED!


Jealous stink eye from a 16 year old girl is SURELY a great blessing and I can't be convinced otherwise.

I have learned 3 valuable lessons here.

A)  Modest IS Hottest.
B) Avoid old ladies wearing your same swim wear.  It damages the self-esteem a tad.
C) No one is more narcissistic than I.

PS I'm going back to the water park tomorrow.  WOOO HOOO!  WEEEEEEE!  Wonder what I'll wear... :)