Rad Radiation

Can ya FEEL me, dawg?  Can ya FEEL me?

Yes.  When I walk into a room you FEEL me, baby.  And I feel YOU.

In the above pic I am riding a pretend elephant with a sour apple sucker in my hand and feathers in my ear lobes.  I had a great day.  I'll share.  But first,

Check this out:

Everyone radiates a particular spiritual energy, and everyone is affected by that radiation.
                                                                                                           ~M. Catherine Thomas

There is one responsibility which no man can evade; that responsibility is his personal influence, a silent, subtle radiation... This radiation is tremendous.  Every person who lives in this world wields an influence whether for good or for evil.  It is not what he says alone; it is not alone what he does.  It is who he is... He cannot escape for one moment from this radiation of his character, this constant weakening or strengthening of others.
                                                                                                    ~President David O. McKay


Mmmmk. So if I'm pissed off and walk into a room I INFECT all those innocent people with my pissy-ness.  I don't even gotta SPEAK.  My magical energy zaps everyone and pissy-ness abounds.

If I'm paranoid and walk into a room then everyone I come in contact with will start twitchin' and lookin' over their shoulder.

But if I slide in feelin' all Peaceful and Loving and Open then I'll Radiate those things and The People will benefit.

Like in the pic below, for instance.  If I hang from the railing at the zoo like a monkey then YOU might want to do the same 'cause hanging like a fool in public raises serotonin levels in the brain.  And plus I saw the monkeys doing it.  Monkey See Monkey Do.

I went about my day with Rad Radiation in mind.  I engaged in three major events. 

1) Dermatologist apt.
2) Zoo visit
3)Julia's birthday party


1) Derm Apt.

"My son has gone off the deep end," said my facialist as she spread ACID on my face.  "He's left his family because he says he's fallen in Love with another woman.  His father and I are wondering what we did wrong."

"Free will," said I through gritted teeth, acid burning off the top three layers of my facial epidermis.  "Cain killed Abel.  Adam was his father.  You can't blame yourself.  Your son has Free Will.  You've been a good mother."

She showed her gratitude for my listening ear/ kind words by stabbing my face 1000 times with a needle to clean out my filthy pores.

It's cool.  Who needs a facial epidermis anyway?  Pft.  Not me.  Superfluous.


2) Zoo

It was fun.  I was nice and smiled at The People.  They smiled back.

See how smiley I am? 

The turtles smell stinky, but there I am, still smilin'.  Smilin' in the stank.  Radiating Radness.  I got some big teeth in my mouth.  The better to smile with, my dear.

3) Julia's Birthday Party

I found a fussy baby.  I was all chill and full of Love.  I held that fussy baby.  She feel asleep in 5 minutes flat.  For reals.

She was like "WAH! WAH!   ...wah?  zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

 Babies are sensitive to Rad Radiation 'cause they barely came from Heaven and that is where The Concept originated.

When baby was fussy her Mama said,

"Oh you don't have to hold her!  I'll take her."

"Don't you dare take this baby out my arms, girl!"  said I.  "You just sit and relax. Let me work my magic."

Taaa daaaa!

Mama got to eat birthday cake in peas.  I did done a good deed.

Then Julia decided to check my heartbeat with a microscope.

"Do I have blood in there, Julia?"

"Yes.  You have blue blood."

"Excellent.  Do I have a heart in there?"

"I'm not sure yet."

"Let me know, Dr. Julia."

"I found it.  It is very LOUD."

There you have it folks.

Rad Radiation inspires a Happy Heartbeat.  It was a good day.

Love. Love. Love.  All you need is Love.

Shhhhhhhhhhh.... listen....

Can YOU hear my heart beat?

PS  I was about to close up shop when I noticed this:

One of my children has engaged in an act of senseless violence by stabbing this innocent banana with a plastic fork. 

Why would someone DO such a thing?!

Dont Call Me Sexy!

Sexy.

That's what my husband called me.  RIGHT TO MY FACE!  I'm pissed.

I'll catch you up.

My sis, Coral, texted the other day.

~Describe me in one word.

My reply?

~Loved.  You are so Loved.  Do me now.

~Open. 

I said she was Loved and she described me as Open.  I felt all warm and fuzzy inside my heart, so I thought I would play the game with Mr. Pistol.

"Hey, Honey?"

"Yeah."

"Describe me in one word."

"Sexy."

He didn't skip A BEAT!  No thought involved AT ALL!  CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS CRAP?!

So I said (all cute and pouty-like),

"Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T be just sexy!"

His eyes got all squinty and confused.  He actually looked away from the TV and directly at me.

"Why?"

"Will I be sexy when I'm 80 and my boobs hang down to my knees??"

Ooooo trick question.  Let's see how he handles it, shall we?

"Ummm... yes?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wrong answer!"

He scratched his head.

"No?"

"NO.  I asked you to pick one word that would describe ME.  ME as a PERSON! ME as an INDIVIDUAL WITH INTELLIGENCE!  ME as an ETERNAL ENTITY WITH ENDLESS POTENTIAL! And the only word you could come with is SEXY?"

"I didn't realize...."

"Well yeah, I know, cause to MEN sexy is all that matters!  Sure, I'm sexy as hell NOW, but what about the aging process?  Huh?  If my word is SEXY than what will I be when sexy is GONE?"

"Uhhh..."

"NOTHING.  I'll be nothing.  A has-been who was SuperSexy Once Upon A Time.  And you'll say, 'Remember when you were Sexy?' "

"Can I change my answer?"

"Good idea."

"Complex."

"I don't know if I like that answer either."

"I have a headache."

I can't imagine why.

PS  Can you tell I used to be a serious dancer?  I still am.  I gotz mad skillz, yo.

Ok.  So.  Describe me in one word.  Be nice.

I'll start.

Narcissistic.

Now that THAT'S outta the way it's your turn. 

Let's talk about YOU.  What do YOU think about ME?

Hmmmm?

Imperfect Protector

A lady once inspired me to publicly scream obscenities.  In the child play area in the mall.

Serena was three.  I often took her to play at the Mall play area.  She loved to climb on the neck of an enormous green turtle.  It was her turtle.

One day I took her to the mall and a Small Boy was perched on Mr. Turtle's neck.

Serena promptly ran over to Small Boy and pushed him off of Mr. Turtle's long, green neck.

"Mine!"

Small Boy toppled onto his head and began to cry.

Just as I was fixin' to gently reprimand my child, flip Small Boy rightside up and insist she apologize, Small Boy's mother ran over to Serena and began shouting in her tiny face.

The rage that overcame me was like nothing I had ever experienced. 

You must understand,  NOBODY shouts at my children, BUT ME!

I rushed at the woman with Crazy on my Countenance.  Her eyes became wide with fear.

She tried to talk...

"SHUT UP!" I shouted. "SHUT UP RIGHT NOW BEFORE I RIP YOUR TONGUE OUT!" 

I was centimeters from her face as I screamed creative threats peppered with four letter words. She tried to back away but I persisted.  I can be very persistant sometimes.  

Luckily, my husband was with me that day.  When he saw I was prepared to come to blows he intervened.  Pulled me away physically.  I continued the verbal abuse from afar as Small Boy's mother quickly gathered her son and escaped.

My husband shook his head after the fact. 

"I have never seen that side of you.  Wow.  Scary."

Yes.  Scary, indeed.  Scared the hell outta myself, even.


My sister, Coral, wrote me a letter several months ago when I desperatly needed a lift.  She wrote it while she was in the midst of a Living Nightmare herself.

"You are a protector.  You protect those you love.  But in such a way that half the time they don't realize they are being protected and helped.  You are a quiet strength that people take as being their OWN strength!  That's how F*&%$#$G amazing you are at loving people!

I see you with your husband, your kids, your siblings, your parents, your friends, strangers... you protect them..."

I keep that letter in my journal and take it everywhere.  I need it to remind me that I'm Good.  That I'm at very least Good Enough.  I need it to remind me of my gifts and responsibilities.

I don't feel worthy of this kind of praise.  I do my best to believe her words are true. 
I do my best to believe the Love I render is Enough.

I have recently been given the added responsibility of preparing to take 15 Young Girls to Church Girl's Camp in June.

I freakin' HATE camping.

But Serena is 12 now and will be joining the ranks of these Campy Campers. I must contribute. (And by contribute, I mean take over completely.)

This week I facilitated a large bonfire in the church parking lot for our first camp meeting.  I brought stuff to make S'mores.  We discussed how we will dress like ninjas and have a life-sized ninja mascot.  Wax on. Wax Off.  (Does anyone know where I can get a life-sized ninja mascot mannequin?)

"We are gonna write THE BEST camp songs EV-ER!  Then we'll shout 'HA-YAA!', " I said.

We are all very excited.

I taught the girls a beautiful song they will sing amongst a hundred other Young Woman campers.  The sound of their angelic voices brought tears to my eyes.

How can I protect them, Lord?  I prayed as they sang.  What can I say or do that will make a difference to these Goddesses in Training? How can I inspire them to see their Worth? To value their Virtue?  I know I'm supposed to teach them something here.  I'm a so inadequate in so many ways.  I can't do this alone.

I've kept that prayer in my heart.

The whispering within tells me I need to see my own Worth before I can teach. 

I need to believe that even though I sometimes scream obscentities I AM Good Enough.  That even though my halo is tarnished I DO Love Enough.  That even though I wear two-piece swimsuits my heart IS Pure Enough.

I need to remember that as I spend my days Protecting and Loving those with whom I come in contact, I am never left alone.  I can Trust God to Protect ME.   

PS  We thought about having a Sumo Wrestler mascot but then decided a large, exposed booty with a diaper thong would be inappropriate for a church function.  Too bad.  It would have been funny.