Sunday, March 20, 2011

Imperfect Protector

A lady once inspired me to publicly scream obscenities.  In the child play area in the mall.

Serena was three.  I often took her to play at the Mall play area.  She loved to climb on the neck of an enormous green turtle.  It was her turtle.

One day I took her to the mall and a Small Boy was perched on Mr. Turtle's neck.

Serena promptly ran over to Small Boy and pushed him off of Mr. Turtle's long, green neck.


Small Boy toppled onto his head and began to cry.

Just as I was fixin' to gently reprimand my child, flip Small Boy rightside up and insist she apologize, Small Boy's mother ran over to Serena and began shouting in her tiny face.

The rage that overcame me was like nothing I had ever experienced. 

You must understand,  NOBODY shouts at my children, BUT ME!

I rushed at the woman with Crazy on my Countenance.  Her eyes became wide with fear.

She tried to talk...


I was centimeters from her face as I screamed creative threats peppered with four letter words. She tried to back away but I persisted.  I can be very persistant sometimes.  

Luckily, my husband was with me that day.  When he saw I was prepared to come to blows he intervened.  Pulled me away physically.  I continued the verbal abuse from afar as Small Boy's mother quickly gathered her son and escaped.

My husband shook his head after the fact. 

"I have never seen that side of you.  Wow.  Scary."

Yes.  Scary, indeed.  Scared the hell outta myself, even.

My sister, Coral, wrote me a letter several months ago when I desperatly needed a lift.  She wrote it while she was in the midst of a Living Nightmare herself.

"You are a protector.  You protect those you love.  But in such a way that half the time they don't realize they are being protected and helped.  You are a quiet strength that people take as being their OWN strength!  That's how F*&%$#$G amazing you are at loving people!

I see you with your husband, your kids, your siblings, your parents, your friends, strangers... you protect them..."

I keep that letter in my journal and take it everywhere.  I need it to remind me that I'm Good.  That I'm at very least Good Enough.  I need it to remind me of my gifts and responsibilities.

I don't feel worthy of this kind of praise.  I do my best to believe her words are true. 
I do my best to believe the Love I render is Enough.

I have recently been given the added responsibility of preparing to take 15 Young Girls to Church Girl's Camp in June.

I freakin' HATE camping.

But Serena is 12 now and will be joining the ranks of these Campy Campers. I must contribute. (And by contribute, I mean take over completely.)

This week I facilitated a large bonfire in the church parking lot for our first camp meeting.  I brought stuff to make S'mores.  We discussed how we will dress like ninjas and have a life-sized ninja mascot.  Wax on. Wax Off.  (Does anyone know where I can get a life-sized ninja mascot mannequin?)

"We are gonna write THE BEST camp songs EV-ER!  Then we'll shout 'HA-YAA!', " I said.

We are all very excited.

I taught the girls a beautiful song they will sing amongst a hundred other Young Woman campers.  The sound of their angelic voices brought tears to my eyes.

How can I protect them, Lord?  I prayed as they sang.  What can I say or do that will make a difference to these Goddesses in Training? How can I inspire them to see their Worth? To value their Virtue?  I know I'm supposed to teach them something here.  I'm a so inadequate in so many ways.  I can't do this alone.

I've kept that prayer in my heart.

The whispering within tells me I need to see my own Worth before I can teach. 

I need to believe that even though I sometimes scream obscentities I AM Good Enough.  That even though my halo is tarnished I DO Love Enough.  That even though I wear two-piece swimsuits my heart IS Pure Enough.

I need to remember that as I spend my days Protecting and Loving those with whom I come in contact, I am never left alone.  I can Trust God to Protect ME.   

PS  We thought about having a Sumo Wrestler mascot but then decided a large, exposed booty with a diaper thong would be inappropriate for a church function.  Too bad.  It would have been funny.