Thursday, December 15, 2011

It's A Tough Job...

I went to Walmart twice today.  TWICE!

Please don't tell anyone.  I have a reputation to protect, you know.

The truth I am forced to face is I am officially a people of Walmart.  I frequent the warehouse for more often than I would like to admit.

Don't look at me that way.  I had to get milk and broccoli and fem products and a Leapster toy for Maya from Santa.  At Walmart all my dreams came true. That was trip number one.

Trip number two entailed picking up gift cards for the kid's teachers in order that my children might be favored above all others.  While other moms are gifting cookies in sweet little boxes that will ensure said teachers cannot fit into their teacher pants come January, I am showering them with money.  Money, money money by the pound... (Pete's Dragon reference.)

I can't actually shower them with wads of green cash, of course.  That gesture would lack class and decorum.  A gift card is far more acceptable.  And what could be classier than Walmart where one might readily acquire both broccoli and tampons in one fell swoop?  Very elegant of me indeed.

In praise of Walmart, I must say I come away feeling grateful for the little things.  Such my teeth.  So many shoppers and employees are missing them.  Pity.  They have lovely smiles.

In other news, Maya wore a red skirt and danced around the stage tonight during her First Grade Christmas performance.

She was the best one.  All the other parents think their child was the best but that is only because those parents are smoking crack.

My children was the star the show, of course!

I smirked not a little as I watched other parents gushing regarding little Johnny's performance.

"Oh!  My little Johnny stole the show!  He is a natural..." they murmured.

Your little Johnny was picking his nose whilst my Maya twirled and swirled circles around your nose picking Johnny.

One boy fell off the stage in his Santa costume.  I wish I had recorded it.  He just fell right off!  BLAM!  Down he went into a pile of donkey pinatas.  I laughed heartily.  Don't worry.  He was fine.  His parent's emerged with bruised egos.  Nothing serious.

Here are some expressive pictures of my baby.

And here is a lovely video of my Maya.

Here I am with the star of the show.  She was so kind to allow me backstage to bask in her glorious presence.

In closing I must point out that my baby girl is seven years old now.  I must further point out that I look really hot holding a baby in my arms.  A baby is the most feminine accessory imaginable.

Seeing as how Maya is beyond the babe in arms stage I will proceed to "accidentally" drop birth control pills down the drain and poke holes in various contraceptive devices.

I love being a mama.  I LOVE BEING A MAMA!

PS  I must apologize for not being nearly narcissistic enough recently.  I have been serving others and working my fingers to the bone.  My manicure is for naught.  I will therefore kill two birds by posting several pictures of myself doing the dishes.

You're welcome.