DING DONG BARK BARK BARK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He's here. On the other side of that door. He could be anybody. He probably IS anybody! And I'm here ALONE. All alone. And vulnerable and defenseless and slight... At least I think I look slight in these jeans... Which is quite a feat given they are white. Sleight of hand or arse (as the case may be.)
Pardon me while I grab a weapon, my cell phone, a heavy frying pan and the door.... (Is that a sharp knife in my pocket or are you just happy to see me?)
*whispers* Okay. He's in the house. I repeat. He. Is . In. The. House. If I stop typing you'll know I've been compromised.
(It would be funny if I stopped typing...)
*still whispering* One time a known sex offender moved into the house directly behind us. Only a block wall separated us. When I jumped on the trampoline with the kids he could see me all bouncin' around while he smoked a cigarette. So I told my mom I was worried he might attack me. She assured me I was too old to be desirable for a man like that. I felt relieved and also a little hurt. The aging process has not truly taken flight until not even the neighborhood pervert is interested.
"I COME TO FEEX ZEE DRYER AND ICE MACHINE MAKER. YOU COMPLAIN BROKEN," say The Man.
I KNEW IT! HE'S A RUSSIAN SPY COME TO TAKE ME AWAY! I WON'T TALK! HE CAN TORTURE ME AND FEED ME WHATEVER RUSSIANS EAT BUT I WON'T GIVE IN! (In all fairness, I've always wanted to go to Russia.... ...BUT NOT TODAY!)
In case the police need a description of The Man. Here it is:
sex: no way jose i'll kill him first
age: mid fifties
facial hair: full-ish beard and thick impressive mustache.
eyes: ? (I dare not look directly but they seem kindly and those are the worst kind)
name: Vladimir (unless his blue service man shirt is a bold faced liar... which could very well be the case...)
accent: Russian (rolls r's in that special Russian Way.)
Last night my husband told me he would cancel the service guy.
"You shouldn't be alone with a man. It's not safe."
I scoffed. "That's silly."
"No, it's not."
"Yes, it is. I need my dryer to work."
"I can reschedule for next week."
"A whole WEEK without a dryer? What am I supposed to do about wet laundry?"
"Just hang up the clothes all over the house. They'll dry."
"Now I KNOW you're smoking crack."
I'm concerned Vladimir has been smoking crack. He shows no signs of such but I am concerned nonetheless.
"Ma'am you must come to here for looking at clogged Air Duck."
AIR DUCK?? HE WANTS TO SHOW ME HIS AIR DUCK? His CLOGGED Air Duck??
I'll be right back.
VLADIMIR TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME! JUST AS I SUPPOSED HE MIGHT! *SOB*
It seems in an effort to help do laundry my husband, bless his heart, didn't clean the dryer screen. When clothes stayed wet after a cycle he assumed the dryer broken. Also, the ice machine was set to "Off". For a year. We have not had ice FOR A YEAR. These are the perils of the (part-time) working mother.
Vladimir assured me my appliances are in perfect condition. He flipped the ice maker switch to "ON", removed my dryer lint, and handed me a $65 bill.
"Only I charge service fee. Your not have broken. Only off and clogged in zee screen," he said.
He left me feeling deflated, $65 poorer and also a little hurt.
You don't suppose my mother was right about me, do you?