Monday, August 15, 2011

You Can't Do All That In Here

To crap or not to crap?  THAT is the question...

Last weekend I found myself in The Walmart.

I hate The Walmart.  But it seems unAmerican to boycott the place completely, doesn't it?  So I go.

I was with my sis in a Vegas Walmart.  We were buying hair bleach for her witch black dread locks.

"I want my dreads to look more earthy," she said.

"I have to pee, " I said.

"You pee while I pay," she said.

At the entrance of The Walmart restroom there was a large black woman with burn scars all over her arms.  I cringed and wondered what had happened to her.  The woman held a small boy by the hand.

The boy was walkin' all jerky like. He had an extra hip in his hop.

"Now, I wish you would quit walkin' like that!" said the woman.

"I gotta go poo poo," said the boy.

"You can go poo poo at home," said the woman.

He ignored her and continued his desperate dance.

I followed them into the bathroom.

He boy let himself into a stall and dropped his pants.  He left the door wide open.

"I gotta go poo poo."

The woman did not shut the stall door but instead blocked the child from view with her body.

"Now!  What did I SAY about that, child!.  You can't do all that in here!"

"I gotta go poo poo."

"You just can't DO ALL THAT IN HERE!  You wait until we get home to poo poo."

I don't know whether she stressed him out to the point of holding his poo poo.  Or if he actually defecated in The Walmart Potty Room.

I wish I knew.  I really do.  I stay up nights worrying about the boy.

I've thought about the woman and her burn scars and her stance on dropping stools in The Walmart quite a bit since then.

Pooping at The Walmart is taboo for the woman in question.  I venture to guess that her son will grow up with a strong opinion on the subject as well.

Perhaps he will rebel against her.  Perhaps he will SAVE his stools for The Walmart just to spite her.

Every time he drives past a Walmart he will suddenly have the urgent desire to defecate.  He will pull into the parking lot sweating and shaking.  He will arrive at his destination just in time.  The woman will not be there to tell him to walk upright.  She will not block the door if he happens to leave it open.

He will do all that in there.  As a grown man he will poo poo in The Walmart.

He will breathe a sigh of relief when he accomplishes the task at hand.  He will wash his hands of her complex and of possible e. coli contamination.


OR... perhaps the woman will have succeeded in shaming him from producing excrement in The Walmart.  PERHAPS he will actually become constipated for days at the mere thought of entering a Walmart.

He will have to go to Walgreens or Safeway to buy laxatives.  He will enter the store pinched and in  poor spirits.

The he will go home and take his pills.  He will sit upon his own personal throne and mentally spurn the folks who dare crap in The Walmart.

My sister and I had a serious conversation regarding the little boy.  We wondered what we are doing as mothers that will seriously affect our children in the long run.  For what will they place blame?  What are we doing wrong?  What are we doing right?  Will be able to afford Botox and a face lift at that time?

We came to the conclusion, There must be limits.  All things in moderation...

We came away with a phrase that will not soon leave us.

We say it often in regards to all matters improper.  (And this morning I texted it to her for no reason at all...)

You can't do all that in here.