Friday, August 26, 2011

You think I'm FAT, DON'T YOU!? and other of my secret insecurities...

Exhibit A

"Baby, your abs look SO shredded this morning!" said my happy, morning person hubby.

I smiled.  I walked to him.  Put my arms around him.  Kissed his mouth.  My hands gravitated toward his rock hard, massive chest.  I caressed the chest.  I kissed him again...

"It's just that," I began.  "It's just that when you say my abs look tight THIS MORNING I am led to believe through the process of elimination that you think I'm fat on most mornings.  Oh NO!  You think I'm FAT ON MOST MORNINGS, DON'T YOU?!"

Mr. Pistol laughs.  "Oh baby, you are so crazy.  You look amazing always.  Your body could be in a fitness magazine."  

"You're my husband!   You have to say that!!!!!!!!!!  All husbands say things like that!  I KNOW IT.  You think I'm a BEAST! "  I whined a little. (He thinks it's cute when I use a childlike tone. I use it sparingly. )

"No.  I don't.  You're not a beast".

"OK"  I kissed him again for good measure.

That was a close one. For a minute I thought he thought I was a breast of burden.

Exibit B

"Brad Somebody paid a nice compliment about you today," said my friend, Ali.

"What did he say?" I asked.

Brad Somebody is a very respected and successful psychologist in the area.  He happens to be a friend of mine and a member of my church.

"He said 'People don't give Crystal enough credit... She is actually an amazing teacher!  You simply MUST hear her teach!' "

I'm torn here.  Can you see why I might be?

Why do people not give me credit?  I COULD  focus on the compliment, right?

But immediately I think, "DO PEOPLE THINK I'M STUPID AND ENTIRELY SILLY?  Gasp.  THEY dooo!  Oh no!  I don't get enough credit because people think I'm  A FOOL!"

I didn't share my thoughts aloud with Ali.  I don't want her to know the truth of my condition.

Exibit C

"You looked like a little kid out there when you were dancing and skating.  It was really cute when you skated with the cow," said my friend, Dottie, of my roller skating/dancing skills on the roller rink.

Dottie said the phrase kindly and genuinely.

 Dottie is wonderful.  She has set up a charity called Katie's Heart. She rented out the entire skating rink so that kids could come and donate toys to children in Ronald McDonald House and in the hospital.  These kids are fighting cancer and need all the hope and love they can get.  Chick Fil'A donated all the food for the event.  So generous!

Anyway,  back to me.  I thought it was a wonderful compliment until I noticed some of the moms at the rink sans skates.  These mothers sat on the sidelines and watched me skate and sing and dance and carry on with the kiddies.  Some of the ladies smiled in a friendly type manner.  Others gave me the stinky stank crust eye.

I began to wonder if her remark really was genuine or a nod at my bad behavior. I didn't know if it was her Southern Belle way of telling me, "Honey, you are waaaayyyy too old to behave like a child..."

I freaked out internally for a minute.

I MUST LOOK LIKE A GRANNY ON WHEELS IN WHITE BELL BOTTOM JEANS!  HOW HUMILIATING! Why can't I just sit on the side and be NORMAL, like all the other normal moms??  What is WRONG with meeeee???

I decided she was genuine and kind in her remark.  It was touch and go for a minute there.

Exhibit D

"What animal would be your ingenium?

We went around the book group tonight and said what animal we would choose to be our constant companion.  A soul mate, if you will.

I said, "I would have a sleek, strong black panther deep in the woods."

There were murmurs of approval on all sides.

"I could totally see you as a black panther!" cried one book grouper.

"Oooo... You're kinda creepy!" said a another friend.

"Yes,'" I say.  "I am kinda creepy."

Another friend whispered to my creepy friend hoping to prevent others from hearing her comment.

But I heard it.

"I couldn't pick a cat.  Cats are lazy."

So now I'm LAZY?  And DUMB?  Have I been reduced to Garfield devouring a trough o lasagna? When moments before I had been a sexy, dangerous, black feline lounging atop a tree?

After all of these accounts I have come to the conclusion I have a serious problem.  I am tempted to take offense where there obviously is none.

Woe unto him who takes offense at complimentary compliments!  For he will be an insecure and silly soul indeed.

I'm gonna make an effort to work on this flaw of mine...  meanwhile...

WHAT COMPLIMENTS HAVE RUBBED YOU THE WRONG WAY?  What have you found offensive as of late?   I know you've GOT to have something to offer here!  Help me out, ya'll.

PS The book we read this month was written by a friend of mine.  Heather Cashman.  She flew from New York to attend my little book group and discuss her book.  It was quite an interesting read.  I would highly suggest your getting a copy yourself.  Mystery, deception, violence,  romance...aaahhhh the romance...  Check it out!