Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I Should Have Known His Name Was Nacho Pansa

A man with hair and a face walked into my office last week.

I vaguely recognized him.  I rarely recognize men.  Or notice them, for that matter.  It's a gift, I suppose.  I blame my mother's genius autism for my social failings.

I knew somewhere in the recesses of my mind I had been introduced to this man at least 3 times in the past.  What was his name?  What was it?

No matter.

"Hi there!" I said.  "How can I help you?"

"I'm here to see Bill."

"OK.  Bill is in a meeting with clients at the moment.  He'll be right with you."

I dazzled him with my most winning smile.

The man with the face waited patiently for Bill as I continued my previous task.

My employer (and mother) had hand-written a long list of subcontractors.  I was to call the various men and inform them blueprints were awaiting their financial proposals.

I called the lumber guys, the insulation dude, the electrical man.  I spoke in my most soothing, mysterious, capable, professional voice.  It's quite a tone, I assure you.  I've spent days perfecting it.

"Hello Bob?  This is Crystal with Golden Star Properties.  The blueprints for the Blah Blee Residence are ready for your bid.  Plans are in the county.  It would be great if you could get your proposal to us ASAP."

They were charmed, I'm sure.

I called at least 5 trades.

What's His Name With The Face was still waiting patiently for Bill when I rang the last sub.

Coincidentally, Face Man's phone rang.

He answered.


As he answered his phone so too did the plumber I had dialed.

"Hi!  Is this Nacho?" I asked.

There was a long pause, which I found irritating as I had not asked a difficult question that required a great deal of contemplation. 

"Yes...," Nacho finally answered.

"Hi Nacho."

"Um... hi."

 "This is Crystal with Golden Star Properties.  I have some plans for you to pick up here at the office...".

"You do?  Here...?  At... the office?"

This guy was a real piece of work.  I've never met a man so slow.

"At my office.  Yes," I said slowly with kindness.  Poor guy. 

I suddenly felt the gaze of Mr. Face on my person. He held his phone to his ear, brows knit together. He looked puzzled for a moment.  Then he laughed.  He laughed LOUD.  And HARD!  AT ME!

I became aware of my blunder.  Still speaking into the telephone receiver I grinned sheepishly at Man Face Hair Man. I blushed,

"Oh.  YOU'RE Nacho!  I knew that.  I KNEW that!  I just didn't want you to feel left out.  Seeing as I'm calling all your friends... and all..."

I felt like a raving idiot.  We laughed at my expense.

My parent's couldn't be more pleased they have hired me to represent the family business two whole days a week.  I'm a natural.


Below You Will Find The Stupidest Video Ever Made

Warning: This video is not funny to the naked eye.

The video is a re-enactment of how I disturbed my sister as she worked today.

As a rule, Michelle is contemplative and serious.  She often finds me ridiculous. I can't imagine why.

I convinced my father to step away from his desk and video the re-enactment against his will.  As you will see, my mother hurried in to ensure no one was in mortal peril.  She realized it was business as usual.

PS  In case my delivery is unclear it is important to note I am shouting,


and also

"I grew a pansa (belly).  A Nacho Pansa.  It's Not chYo Pansa.  It's MY pansa! HAHAHAAAA!"


Don't over-think it.  I can assure you, I never do.