Men are funny.
I have a man. I've owned him free and clear for 14 years. Tonight is our anniversary. That's a dang long time in this day and age. We've beat the 7 year itch twice over now.
My man, that I own, didn't want my mom to spend the night at our house tonight. Weird. My mom is delightful.
"Your mom wants to spend the night at our house tonight," he said.
"Hmmm. Ok," I said. "We're leaving for Phoenix early tomorrow. Makes sense."
"But today is our Anniversary."
"Uh huh."
"Didn't you spend, like, $120 at Victoria's Secret yesterday?"
I could feel his ever-increasing anxiety as though it were my own. But it wasn't my own and it made me giggle inside. So I played dumb.
"Yeah. I think you're gonna really love it! It's REALLY sexy."
"You're mom can't sleep here tonight."
"I don't want to hurt her feelings. I can't just throw her out in the cold!"
"It's 100 degrees outside."
He never said the part 100 degrees part. I lied about that. Because it would have been funny had he actually said it. Suffice it to say, he did not want his mother-in-law in the house tonight.
"She'll be just down the hall. We won't bother her a bit. She's a Registered Nurse. She totally comfortable with stuff like this," I said all wide-eyed and innocent.
He looked like he might cry.
"I'm gonna call your dad," he said, his desperation mounting. "He'll understand. He's a man. He'll talk to her."
DID YOU GET THAT??? My husband was so concerned about serious, uninterrupted anniversary nookie (complete with fancy lingerie) that HE CALLED MY DAD! MY DAD!
By the way, what's this "He's a man" stuff? Hmmm?
Men are always saying, "Well, I AM a man," as they check out the backside of the closest female in the vicinity. Or "He IS a man," when a politician has been discovered posting his wiener on Twitter. They say it as if the phrase explains everything there is to know regarding the male psyche. On second thought... it does clear things up a bit.
At least we know where we stand, right ladies?? Although, they much prefer us to lay down.
My husband's plea to my father went something like this,
"Joseph, today is our anniversary and Martha wants to spend the night. We are young and would like to spend some time in the bedroom tonight."
My dad took pity on my stressed-out husband. My mother did not sleep here tonight.
I die laughing whenever I think of all the uncomfortable convos that took place today on my behalf.
I got my man back though. I made that man PAY for kicking my mother out into the dry and sweltering desert. I was a SLAVE DRIVER.
"YOU'RE GONNA DO IT AND DO IT UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT!" I barked.
I wore him out. Tucked him in. Nighty night. And here I am now telling you all about it. I will surely regret it in the morning as I am going to the temple. I suppose I can repent on the way. It's a long drive. Is 2 hours enough time, you think? Husbands and wives are SUPPOSED to be sexually active. It's healthy. I'm not sinning here, am I? Yes. I am.
First rule of Nookie. Never talk about Nookie. Second rule of Nookie. Never talk about Nookie.
Here's what I wore tonight. Black dress by Rachel Pally. Vintage Chanel Bag. Wedding ring.
We went to Olive Garden for dinner. Then we saw Thor. Because that's what I wanted because I love salad and bread sticks and super heroes. I hope to be one someday. A super hero. Not a bread stick. I would especially love to fly and be invisible so I could spy on you and move your peanut butter around in order to worry you. Like I might put it in the oven or your shower. Then you would know I had been flying around your house all invisible and you might start to wonder what I had seen. That would be awesome.
PS When my Bella said her nightly prayer tonight she thanked God for "mommy and daddy's anniversary". I was touched that she understands it's a celebration of the beginning not only of our marriage but of our little family.
My husband is the biggest blessing in my life. It's been a wild ride for 14 years. Good, bad and ugly. I have come to understand I would be nothing without him. I'm so grateful for him and his manly ways, I could cry. If I had the cash, I'd buy a new Victoria's Secret outfit everyday just to show him the depth of my love and devotion. I think it's a gesture he would understand and appreciate. After all, he IS a Man. ;)
