Saturday, April 2, 2011

B is for Baby

I won't beat around the bush.


THAT'S RIGHT, MR. PISTOL!  YOU'RE ABOUT TO WELCOME BABY NUMERO CINCO!  Uno dos, tres, cuarto, CINCO monkeys jumpin' on the bed!  CONGRATULATIONS! Yet another college tuition to pay for! :)

The real reason for my participating in the A-Z blogging challenge was because I thought it would be a cool way to break the news to Daddy. Today is letter B.  I brought you all along for the ride.  YOU'RE WELCOME!

This is SO exciting!  Mr. Pistol said he didn't want more than 4 babies.  I have respected his wishes for the most part.  (I only dropped 5 or 6 little pills down the sink last month... OOPSIE!)  I've taken all the proper precautions and I'M HAVING A BABY!!! AHHHHHHH!

I LOVE babies because they are so sweet and soft and I look super sexy while holding one.  Babies are the ultimate accessory, you know.  Femininity at it's finest. 

My youngest child is 6 so I gave away the crib and car seat long ago.  If anyone wants to donate to my cause and lend me baby stuff I'd really appreciate it.  We ARE in a recession after all.  And I'd rather spend any extra monies on cute maternity bikinis, pedicures and Caucasian cleaning ladies.

April fools!!!!  Ahahahahaaaa!  I'm would never hire Caucasian cleaning ladies!!!  I'm also not pregnant.

I had you all going, didn't I?  I realize it's April 2nd and not April 1st but doing pranks on the 1st is just so predictable.  You thought to yourselves, Could it be true?  Will Crystal the pistol soon wield an enormous belly full of human?

I'll have you know I am a VERY attractive pregnant person when I'm pregnant.  But I'm not.  Pregnant, that is.  So you'll have to take my word for it.

B also stands for Berries, Book club, Black Attire and BRUJA.

Bruja means Witch in Espanol.  I look like one in this pic.  I look like one because I AM one.  I choose to use my powers for good.  As Glinda the Good Witch of the North always says, Only bad witches are ugly.

Thursday night was my book club.  I wore black because I am a serious reader and I wanted an outfit that portrayed the spirit of serious reading.  I never take an all-black outfit lightly.  It is VERY powerful.  Obviously.

I also took a platter of fruit.


I went to the grocery store to buy said fruit and there were NO STRAWBERRIES!

I asked the fruit man with the green apron where I might find some strawberries as I had searched high and low and was left wanting... wanting strawberries.

"We're out," he said.

"Out?!  Out of what exactly?  Your ever-lovin' MIND?" I exclaimed.  "I have never heard such a negligent story!  I'll sue!  I will!  Just watch me!  You'll be sorry, Dorothy, and your little dog too!  Auntie Em!  Auntie Em!"

I was positively BESIDE myself!  What is the world coming to when one cannot procure a simple pint of delicious, red berries, I ask you?!  How could I possibly show my face amongst my peers if my fruit platter was found sans STRAWBERRIES?  HUH?  Throws off the whole aesthetic.

I went to another grocery store and GET THIS:  there was ONE pint in the entire bloomin' place!  ONE! 

This is a true story.  I always tell you when I'm lying.  You know I can be trusted.

I bought that pint but I must admit I was severely shaken.  Can anyone tell me WHY strawberries are so elusive?  Is Miss Shortcake and the gang having a siesta when they should be gardening?  Is she so busy riding her Berry-scented tricycle and playing with her pink cat that she can't do her JOB?!  Or did that creepy muffin man finally boil Strawberry Shortcake up and have his just desserts?

Just wondering.

I am hosting book club for the month of April.  I chose The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.  Feel free to read along.  Turn the page after the beep.