Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Fame and Fat


I wasn't sure if I wanted to tell you this, but I think I will.  It's time you knew. 

I went to a ballet a couple weeks ago (the above pic is me with the dancers) and a very nice lady walked right over to me and extended her hand.

"Crystal!" she said.  "I'm a faithful reader... I recognize you from your blog pictures... my friends and I love to read your stuff..."

I wa stunned.  STUNNED!

I know she said more words but I can't tell you what they were. My mind was reeling.  She knew all about me.


I'm not sure if I like it.

I need my privacy, you know.  I can't have people lining up for miles just to catch a glimpse of me or touch the hem of my robe. I mean, GET A GRIP PEOPLE! 

What if they start collecting my used tissue paper and selling it on e-bay?  Huh?  What then?!  They'll make a KILLING, that's what!

Look, I'm just a regular person like you and me. 

Next thing you know men will be screaming and fainting at the very sight of me.  Hyperventilating and renting their clothes in twain.  I can't be responsible.  I'll have them sign a waiver. 

I don't want fame to change me, ya know?  I want to stay humble.  I WILL insist on Dasani in my bathtub.  Tap water can be so DRYING.  I'm sure you understand.

In all seriousness, that experience Freaked. Me. Out.  I can't believe people are actually reading this!  People I dont even KNOW!  FROM ADAM.  Boggles the mind.

In other news, I've been taking my children on hikes in the wilderness to toughen them up.  I forced them to stand by this sign and pretend to be Mountain Lions.

"There really are Mountains Lions in them thar hills.  They'll rip ya limb from limb if they get hungry,"  I told my younguns.

"But do you think they're hungry today, Mama?" asked a nervous youngun.

"I'm sure they are, sweetheart."

I think my confident response made her feel better.


In addition, I'm so beyond exhausted tonight I actually cried Real Tears whilst watching Joan and Melissa Rivers make-up after a long, emotional fight.  It was a rerun on my DVR.  I CRIED ATA RE-RUN OF JOAN AND MELISSA!

I thought to myself with tears streaming down my face,

that's beautiful.  the mother/daughter relationship can be so volatile. so fragile. im glad they worked it out.   love is all that really matters in the end.  love.  Yes.  wait.  hold up.  why is Joan 77 years old and still on TV?  why am I not on TV?  I'll NEVER be as funny as Joan.  NEVER! WAAAHAAAA!  joan said, "I'm white hot in the business."  I'm not white hot in any business AT ALL!!!  *sob*

I continued crying Real Tears and thought more thoughts,

 And I want to lose three more pounds before my race on April 9th.   I can't go running a half marathon with three to five-ish extra pounds weighing down my bottom!  That's approximately 2 lbs per buttock i'd lug around for 13 miles!  OHHH NOOOO!  Boooohoooo.  I'll be the SLOWEST runner there!  Even Joan Rivers is faster then me!  Maybe I should get lipo real quick.... Just suck the fat right out.  Maybe I could make soap out of it, like on Fight Club.  I'll bet my fat would make AMAZING soap.  i'll perfume it with Lavender.  pleasant.  soothing...

I've REALLY gotta go to bed.  I'm bordering on the ridiculous now.