Saturday, February 26, 2011

Woman Driver

Just because  I put mascara on at stop lights and freshen my lipgloss on Broadway Bvld does NOT make me a bad driver.

I fact, I'm a very, very good driver!  All the men I've driven mad have said, "Hmmm you're actually not a bad driver." 

When men compliment my driving half-heartedly what they are actually thinking is, "WOW!  YOU ARE A SUPER AMAZING CAPABLE DRIVER, CRYS!" 

I have heard all the men in my life make disparaging comment regarding female drivers.  Why oh why is this the case?  An eyeshadow-applying lady does not a bad driver make.

I have seen men cut me off in the traffic with an enormous Carls Jr burger adhered securely to their faces,  special sauce dripping onto their manly laps with wild abandon.  If it doesn't get all over the place... manly men won't eat it.

What's the diff?

Yesterday I drove my entire fam to Phoenix.  My man was drugged up on Vicoden and muscle relaxers due to a weight lifting injury that causes him to drag his body about like Quasimoto.

My Quasimoto deserves the Backseat Driver Of the Year Award.  When he wasn't actually correcting my driving aloud, I could feel his judgements searing into the back of my head, which only served to make me nervous.  When a huge semi-truck barreled by I shook with anxiety and clutched the steering wheel for dear life.  So unlike me!

I made sure to drive in the left lane at a speed far below the speed limit so as to ensure safety for all involved.  Cars zoomed past on the right and honked wildly at me.  I waved and smiled because I knew they were honking to encourage my safe driving.  YOU'RE WELCOME!

Usually I drive very confidently and zoom zoom speedy quick.  I get several speeding tickets a year.  (Actually, I get pulled over all the time but I only get a speeding ticket if it's a chick cop.)  But with my husband in the car I drove like a complete idiot because I felt that was what what he, as a typical male, expected me to do.

I did not take offense.  I know men can't help feeling superior.  They DO have a whole entire extra appendage with magical powers of creation that I simply to not possess!  How can anyone expect humility in the face of THAT?

"Well, Mr. Backseat Driver," said I after the fact, "I could really have done without all the peanut gallery comments."

"I wasn't sure what else to do when you missed our exit," he said.

"I would have turned around EVENTUALLY!" said I.  "Could have happened to ANYBODY!"

"I also thought I should warn you before you ran over that old lady in the parking lot.  You were pretty close to killing her," said Quasi.

"It's not MY fault she was all hunched over that walker!  I couldn't see her while I was applying my eyeliner!  JEEZ!  WHY DO YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE YOU'RE SOOOO SMART!"

I ran upstairs and slammed the door for emphasis.  I wasn't really mad but men love to kiss and make up so...

This is what I wore yesterday.  It is my most responsible driving outfit.  Note the 5 inch driving shoes.