Saturday, February 19, 2011

Pamela's Pain-Body

Pamela's Pain-Body was a legion inside of her.  He clawed and chewed her insides raw.  She called him Fred.

Pamela and Fred wore this blue velvet Vintage Country Pacer Coat in the 70's.

I have to be careful when I wear it.  Else my own Pain-Body seeks to ravage my very soul.  Ouch.

What is a Pain-Body, you ask?

A Pain-Body is the term used by spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, to describe the negative energy field inside each of us formed by life's painful experiences.  Some refer to a Pain-Body as unclean Spirits that enter the body of man awaiting negative energy on which to feed.

"...Some Pain-Bodies are obnoxious but relatively harmless, for example, like a child who won't stop whining.  Others are vicious and destructive monsters, true demons.  Some are physically violent.  Some will attack people around you or close to you, while others may attack you, their host.  Thoughts and feelings you have about your life then become deeply negative and self-destructive.  ...Some pain-bodies drive their hosts to suicide."

Pamela was young and single.  Beautiful.  Talented.  Intelligent.  Educated.  Wealthy.  Athletic.  Sexy. Wild.  And Bitter.

Pamela saved every rotten thing that had ever happened to her in her pocket.  She guarded and protected her anger and pain jealously.  She had earned it fair and square!

The pocket of this blue velvet coat grew lumpy and heavy.  A baby monster emerged. 

Baby Fred was born. 

It is often human nature to relish pain and suffering.  We often hold tight to our grudges.  Find solace in misery.  Feel justified in our anger.  We DESERVE to indulge in the hurt when we have been wronged.  Don't we?

Pamela's mother prefered her sister Tania's cooking to Pamela's sewing. 

Pamela's father always greeted Tania with more warmth than he greeted Pamela.

Pamela found her boyfriend in bed with another woman. 

Pamela was teased by the school bully when she was in 1st grade.

Someone cut Pamela off in traffic.

All these things did she grasp with her hands and transfer to her pocket.  Baby Fred gobbled them up in a twinkle.

Baby Fred grew heavier and heavier.  Soon he became too heavy for her pocket.  He was now a healthy toddler.  So climbed onto her back and whispered in her ear.

Pamela wanted to find Love.   She wanted to Love and be Loved more than anything else in the world.

The more she dated the more she saw her male counterparts as lacking in some major way.  The attainable became too easy.  Too boring.  Too short.  Too dumb.  Too skinny.  Too poor.

Fred learned to speak her language.

"You are simply not Lovable, Pamela.  You are TOO beautiful.  Too talented.  Too intimidating.  Everyone hates you.  They envy you.  You are too good for this world."

And so it was that Fred flattered Pamela and he continued to grow in strength and stature. 

Pamela kept Fred fed on a steady diet of her own Resentment, Jealousy, Lack of Forgiveness, Pain, Vanity and Percieved Lonliness.

The weight of this monster on her back exhausted her.  She lashed out at everyone and everything.  She indulged in depression and anxiety.  Self-Pity was her refuge.

She began to Hate herself and her family.  She saw life as bleak and without Love or Hope.  When Fred suggested Self-Destruction it seemed a logical solution to her plight.

But Fred was wrong.

Pamela WAS Lovable. 

Red is the color of Love.  Blood red.

She watched with satisfaction as scarlet liquid gushed from her delicate wrist, coloring the tub water a lovely, swirly pink and then a soft, delightful red. 

"Even my blood is beautiful," she thought.  "I AM too good for this world."

"Close your eyes," said Fred.  "Soon you will be free."

Pamela closed her eyes and found herself hovering above her beautiful, naked body. 

Suddenly her eyes were open.  She saw the world as it was.  She saw her worth.  She saw the depth of her UnLove.

Angels surrounded her.  They had always been there.  They had always Loved her.  They had whispered while Fred had shouted.  Somehow she had known but chosen not to heed them.

She saw Fred.  Ugly.  Scabby.  Miserable.  Pussy.  Fussy Fred.  Fred was not strong and beautiful  as she had supposed.  Fred smiled a putrid smile.

Pamela had been decieved. 

The End.

Howz THAT for an abrupt ending, huh?  BLAM!  SHE'S DEAD. THE END.  she is though... there's really nothing I can do to change that...

we all gotz to do the best with what we got and have a happy smile and get over ourselves and be cheerful and even when things super suck we gotta accept reality and CHOOSE to be glee-ful.  ( I LOVE that show!  glee?  Music makes me happy.)

Do you ever go to the movies alone?  Why or why not?

I do.  Lots.  Cause then I can hide in the dark with a huge DC Draft (diet coke) and Popcorn. And I dont have to talk to anyone or listen to anyone or ask what movie they wanna watch. 

People say I can go to see flicks alone 'cause I'm confident and sure of myself and don't need backup. whatev.  I think I do it 'cause i'm sorta selfish and replenish my strength from alone-time. 

I always sit on the top row in the very middle like the queen of sheeba... 'cause that's where she always sat back in the days of yore.

I saw The King's Speech tonight.  Loved it! 

It would seriously bite to have a speech impediment like that.

That English King was Left Handed, like me!  That makes me a genius, pretty much.

That story is a miraculous miracle of magnanimous propotions. Awe perspiring.