Sunday, January 9, 2011

You Have GOT To Be Kidding Me!

My new calling was announced over the pulpet today.  People chuckled and fought the urge to bust up in fits of obnxious laughter.

For those of you who don't speak Mormon, a calling is the job we do in our church to keep the organization running like a well oiled machine.  We believe our leaders are inspired to give us the opportunity to serve in areas that would help us or others grow spiritually.

Examples of callings:  door greeter, chorister, pianist, Sunday School teacher and GIRLS CAMP DIRECTOR!

DID YOU GET THAT, PEOPLE?? I have been asked to be GIRLS CAMP DIRECTOR!  I am in charge of taking 15 girls from the ages of 12-17 CAMPING FOR A WEEK in June!


This is what I wore to church today.  The skirt is a 1950's Vintage number. I paid $14.50 for all this joy. I was tempted to wear horn-rimmed glasses, bobby socks and a scarf around my neck but I refrained.  ...I DID add a polka dot sweater to tone things down a bit.  Don't wanna be too obviously curvy at church, you know.  It upsets folks...

This skirt was worn by Jean Marie to the school sock hop.  She snuck out and went with Johnny Rotten even though her Mama had warned about greaser boys like him.

"Lookin' good, Toots," said Johnny as he hung his arm around her shoulders.

Jean Marie was on cloud nine.  Johnny was soooo dreamy.  Sigh.

Instead of taking her straight home after the dance, Johnny took Jean Marie to Look-Out Point.  He tried to neck with her!

But Jean Marie was a good girl.  She slapped him good and hard across is eager face.

"What kind of a girl do you think I am?! You take me home, Johnny!  You take me home RIGHT NOW!"

"Well, gee, doll.  Don't get sore with me," said Johnny rubbing his cheek.  "I thought you liked me!"

"I thought I liked you too, Johnny."

The End.

I'm glad Jean Marie taught Johnny Rotton a lesson.  Boys like that are far too cocky!  Girls should be VERY careful with boys and NEVER be alone with one EVER!  They are only after one thing!

Can you see I am preparing myself here? 

It will be my job as Girls Camp Director to inspire the girls to hang on to their virtue and not lay pearls before swine.

I'm gonna hafta behave myself!!  Ahhhhhh! NO RAUNCHY JOKES OR BAD WORDS!! ... LIKE, AT ALL!!!  I'm terrified.  Im gonna start practicing post haste. 

It will also be my job to make campfires with tinder and kindling.  I will be expected to plan and cook meals OUTSIDE!  There will be skits to write and songs to sing and spiritual devotionals to deliver.

People at church were VERY entertained by the news.

Here are some things folks said to me today:

"Well!  THIS I gotta see!  I'm sure you'll bedazzle all the tents and hang feather boas from the trees."

"You DO realize there are no high heels in camping, right?"

"I hope you don't get eaten by a bear."

"When I heard the news I wanted to DIE laughing!"

"We don't wear make up or do our hair up on the mountain..."

The last one seems extreme. 

"What?!  You've GOT to be kidding me?!" I responded.  "NO MAKE UP?!  NONE!?"

Whatever. I'm TOTALLY wearing make up.

How can you expect young girls to listen and respect what you have to say if you look like CRAP?!  HUh?  Girls want leaders they can emulate in a real way.  Duh. 

I'm going to start planning some SUPER CUTE CAMPING OUTFITS immediatly!  I'm thinking overalls, funky tops, perfectly distressed jeans, bandanas of various colors, enormous hoop earrings and black nailpolish.

Lemme know if you have ideas about ANY of this stuff.

I realize I'm being bratty about my new calling.  In truth, I'm so honored I could cry.  I am being entrusted with 15 girls for an entire week.  I want them to have an amazing experience.  I want it to be crazy, wild, fun, liberating and uplifting.  I'm told I was asked to do this because those are the qualities people see in ME!   Wow.

"Let the mountains shout for joy, and all ye valleys cry aloud; and all ye seas and dry lands tell the wonders of your Eternal King!   ...Let the woods and all the trees of the field praise The Lord; and ye sold rocks weep for joy..."  
Doctrine and Covenants 128: 23

PS  There really are bears on Mt. Lemmon!  My friend in high school was attacked at the Boy Scout Camp which is not far from the camp where I will be sleepin... OUTSIDE!