Friday, January 7, 2011
I'm feelin pretty powerful right about now.
Last year the rug was pulled out from under me. I started having major panic attacks and super scary depression which only gave way to Manic Irrational Anxiety.
So I ran to the doc.
"Fix me, Doc!" said I with tears in my eyes and my head between my legs. "I'm crackin up! I've done lost my marbles!"
"No you haven't, honey, you're just having a hard time. You have no chemical imbalance. You will heal. I promise. Let's make you more comfy though while you heal..." she said.
Her compassion was as healing as the Candy she doled.
She became my Willy Wonka.
"The snozberries taste like SNOZBERRIES!" she said as she wrote out scripts by the fistfulls. Sweet.
The harder I cried the more she prescribed. I wasn't manipulating. I just couldn't get a grip.
I flew high for a few months and knocked myself out with double servings of Ambien every night. I didn't have to THINK. I was coping so it was cool.
I started waking to the fact I was Crys: The Living Dead. The world was falling apart around me and I didn't care. I obsessed about nothing. I lived in my imagination always. It was better there.
It took some doing to get off the Anti-THIS, Anti-THAT, Sleepy Sleeper-son pills.
How did I do it, you ask?
A) I prayed damn hard constantly. Made a nuisance of myself to the Big Guy Upstairs. He didn't mind. I spent HOURS on my knees with my head to the floor in the ass-up position in supplication.
B) I read a bunch of inspirational crap that all pointed in the same direction. The direction of Awareness/Gratitude.
Here's how I do:
Today I started wiggin' out a little so I was like,
Mmmmk, Crys. Be aware of your surroundings. Deep breath. Everything is chill. FOCUS!
I went for a run.
I became aware that the music on my ipod is TIRED AND PLAYED OUT! (If you have any good running music ideas lemme know. I'm changing it up tonight. I got an 8 miler in the morning...)
I became aware of the snow on the mountain tops close to my home. Ahhhh... Soothing.
After my run,
I became aware I had to pee, which reminded me I was well-hydrated. Hydration is very important to me because it makes me glowier and prettier and that's the main thing in life that matters, right? Physical Beauty?
I was accutely aware of the 5 extra lbs I earned fair and square during the Holidays enjoying all manner of sinful delights. Gross. But sexy in an undeniably juicy, sensual way too.
Later this afternoon,
I became aware I had not showered since my 5 mile run this morn. My armpits reeked, which reminded me I have a healthy body capable of running 5 miles in the morning.
When I began vacuuming my house I became aware that my vaccum SUCKS! It sucks because it totally DOESN'T SUCK. It's a DYSON and EVERYTHING! The only thing it wants to suck is TIME. Yeah. My vaccum cleaner is Master of Time Suckage! I have NO IDEA what those cleaning ladies that handled it for so long DID to my Sucky- Sucker Machine! It revolts regularly, which reminds me I have my very own house with my very own carpet. Major Miracle.
At the moment there are 7 children running amuck in my house. A slumber party is in session.
I am currently aware these kids think I'm the Cat's Meow.
I dance in the kitchen and kids that aren't mine shout,"Ouwww! Shake it Crystal!"
I was gonna take a shower 'cause I still stink but I changed my mind and decided to write this instead, which reminds me I have control over my mind. I can change it. I can heal it. I can choose to be strong.
I gotta be totally straight up with you and admit I still pop a crazy pill every few weeks when I am aware I'm coming competely un-glued. I also drink caffinated diet soda regularly, but I NEED THAT!
Mmmmk now I'm gonna go shower. I'm aware the smell is starting to burn my eyes.