Friday, December 31, 2010

Sexy Color From A Box

Add caption

Black hair is sultry.  Rrrrrrrrrrrrr.... *rolls tongue suggestively*

I have naturally black hair.

Today I decided to take it a step further.  I wanted UN-NATURALLY black hair.

I'm gonna tell ya'll a secret I just discovered.  It's a big 'un...  Ready?

You can color your own hair in your very own bathroom with products from a box you bought at wal*mart for only $9.58!

It's true! Before today I had NO IDEA IT WAS POSSIBLE!


Don't worry.  I'm going to walk you through the process so you know what to expect when YOU try it.

In the past I have spent GOBS of cash doing things to my hair.  $700 for uber long, dark hair extensions.  $250 for purple hair extensions.  $300 for white blonde hair extensions.  $100 for J-LO-Esque carmel highlights (people REALLY thought I was J-LO with those highlights!  Then I was like, "no, no, I'm just a lowly peasant, like yourself...").

...AND NOW THE PIECE DE RESISTANCE ... $9.58 for UN-Naturally Black-All-Over-My-Head-Super-Shimmer Color... FERIA. 

...Because I'm worth it...!!!!

The instructions clearly state as follows:

*Put on provided clear plastic gloves. They are meant to make your hands sweat profusely.  Deal with it.

*Combine all the bottles in the Sexy Magic Color Box together and shake.

*Apply product to hair and head until saturated.

*Leave product on head until scalp starts to blister, burn and itch.

*Once the ammonia has given you a sweet buzz, rinse.

*Rinse product while singing Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds until water runs clear.

I made a MESS!  I wasn't even trying to be cute and endearing for the sake of this blog.

Purpley-blue-black-smelly goop made itself at home on my sink, floor, bathtub, towels, cabinets, mirror, neck and shoulder.  I don't know how it got there.

In my defense, the fumes blurred my vision and burned holes in my corneas.

I even smudged my cheek and it refused to vacate the premises when scrubbed with cool water as indicated on Magic Box...  I had a black smear on my cheek all night!

No matter...

 It all came together! 

I dried my hair, put on my leather skirt and snake skin Stuart Weizman boots and...


My man came home and I used my raspy sexy voice.  I purred,

"Hey there, Big Boy.  I'll bet you can't even recognize me now that my hair is a whole shade darker...

I'm feelin' a shade darker myself... "

I winked.

He drooled a little. 

You can make ANYTHING sound sexy if you use the right tone, ladies.  "I'm feelin a shade darker myself" makes no damn sense... but you understood I was being downright NAUGHTY, didn't ya..? 

You could say, "I'm gonna put oil on this skillet and just wait 'til it's nice n' HOT.  Then I'll make you an egg... over-easy...," with a wink and smile and a purrrrr. Your man won't know what to DO with himself!  Try it.  It's FUN!

I continued,

" I'm all dressed up with no place to go!  Why don't you take me to dinner, Big Daddy?"

So he did.

It might take you a minute to get used to my dramatic new hair color. 
Don't you fret.  I won't let a bit of Sexy Color From A Box change ME. 

No matter HOW black and alluring and mysterious my hair may be, 
 I'm still the same down-to-Earth, humble Crys I've always been.   
Ummm... Can anyone tell me when my head will stop itching?  And how long til the scalp blisters heal?
 Just wondering.