Tuesday, December 21, 2010
The Grinch Wears Spandex
Today a guy riding a bike zoomed by and called me an Idiot. I cried.
Lemme give you the play by play so'z you're all caught up.
Last night was rough. Very rough. Weeping, wailing, gnashing of teeth. Somethin' awful. Fell asleep at 4am.
I'm very mysterious. I know you're dying to know what happened. Same ol'. Same ol'.
Woke to lil ones hankerin for a bike ride to the park.
Stumbled outta bed.
Now, I am in the habit of being very friendly to joggers and bikers and people in wheelchairs. I always smile with eye contact and give a slight head nod or finger wave as they rush by.
There came a man riding a bicycle. He was decked out in Serious Cyclist Spandex from the top of his Helmet Head to the tip of his Weird Bike Man shoes. I smiled and contacted eyeballs and even finger waved.
The Grinch did not smile I don't quite know the reason.
I always smile and smile the whole Christmas season!
It could be his helmet wasn't screwed on just right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think the most likely reason of all
May have been his Spandex was two sizes too small...
No more rhyming now, I mean it!
Does anybody want a peanut?
He screwed up his face and SNARLED at me!
"Put helmets on those kids, IDIOT!"
I was stunned!
I whirled around and shouted a mild obscenity in response but he was too fast. My insult was lost in the wind.
The obscenity starts with an "s" and rhymes with "DREW YOU!" I was trying to portray my rage in the most child-friendly way possible... without screaming what I actually WOULD have screamed had there been no children... but had there been no children there would have been no insult... you see we are at an impasse...
I certainly did feel like an idiot after that. I certainly did.
I felt small. I couldn't believe I had shouted "Drew You!" in such a wild manner. I felt like... well... an idiot.
I thought about how last year I HAD helmets for my kids. But their heads grew. I can't afford to always be buying new helmets for ever-expanding heads!
I thought about my awful, rough, mysterious night.
I mostly thought about how helmets don't look that cool and sorta insinuate special needs of some kind...
Then I stood on the sidewalk and burst into tears.
Suddenly, I thought about how I rode bikes up and down the streets of South Tucson dodging bullets and dogs with rabies my whole childhood! I never ONCE wore a helmet!
I cheered up a little.
Hey, JACKASS ON A BIKE! I never wore a helmet and LOOK HOW GOOD I TURNED OUT!
THAT'S RIGHT, GRINCHY CLAUS! I WRITE A BLOG THAT PEOPLE READ ON PURPOSE! AND I CAN ALMOST COUNT TO 100! Clearly, I'm no moron!
LOOK AT ME NOW! Oh yeah! Just look at me now.
I've spent most of the day trying to heal
I wish I'd stopped up his bicycle wheel.