Thursday, November 25, 2010

VIX N' Burlesque

It's HERE!  It's finally HERE!  Happy Thanksgiving Er'body!

Let me begin by getting mushy and goopy.  I am soooo grateful for my MAN!  He is everything to me and gives me all I could ever want in a husband and lover.  I love you sooo much, Honey!  Thank you for taking care of me when I'm sick and talking me down when I'm crazy.  :) I'm also supremely grateful for our rugrats.  My little family is amazing!  I am so blessed.

In 1621, the Pilgrams celebrated the fact they slaughtered the natives and stole their land!

You'll be interested to know that by this time only 4 grown women were still alive and kicking.  Much like today, those four women slaved over a hot meal intended for 150 people while their husbands watched football, slapped their bottoms and belched loudly.
Let's not waste time discussing silly details like history though!  Let's talk TURKEY!

Despite the fact I am still recovering from The Claws of Death (a.k.a The Common Cold/Flu/Cough/Obessive Complusive Behavior) I got dressed yesterday and fought the Pre-Thanksgiving crowds. 

This is what I wore.

It's quite respectable.  Too respectable.  When I wear a serious outfit with serious boots I must always wear crazy socks to balance things out.  Yin and Yang, if you will. 

The general population doesn't know about my sock illness.  Shhhhhhh.  It'll be our little secret. ;)

It's kinda like how I can't wear shirts with wild patterns because there is already so much noise in my head.  If I look down at a busy pattern on my blouse I start to feel claustrophobic and over-sensitized.


Do you ever feel like that?  No?  Oh.  Awkward.

I checked out the malls to see where I need to go come Black Friday.  I gotta tell Santa where to hook up the hottest deals in town. 

Now I know. 

But I'm not telling 'cause then I'll be fighting YOU at 4am to snag the last Tickle Me Elmo.  And trust me, you don't wanna tangle with me in the AM.  I'LL CUT YOU!  THAT ELMO IS MINE, SUCKA!   Just kidding.  Woah.  Where did THAT come from?  Harsh.  Seriously though.  Don't mess me with me the morning...

I kept a keen eye out for stuff for my kids and then spent the remainder of our grocery money on something for me.

I'm not going to ruin the sexy, sexy mystery of the Victoria's Secret Bag by telling you it's a simple black sweat shirt with matching pants.  I like to leave things to the imagination...

Speaking of imagination, I went to a movie all alone after I shopped.  I saw Burlesque

I have been inspired to write a letter.  I seriously LOVE Cher and Christina.  You may read it if you wish.  Tell me what you think...  *ahem*

Dear Cher,

Your movie was FREAKING AMAZING!  I am such a big fan of yours!  I don't care HOW many plastic surgeries you have had!  I think you look FLAW. LESS. !  I hope that when I am your age I look half as well-preserved.  You are a legend in your own mind as well as mine. 

X-tina Aguillera blows me away with her vocal skills!  How DOES she DO it?!  She is far too tiny to have such a big voice.  I have been an enormous fan of hers ever since she mud wrestled in booty-less chaps.  Dirty. Too dirty to clean her act up!  Yeeowza!

Christina obviously had a swinging experience during the filming of this movie as there are rumors she was KNOCKED-UP by one of the dudes backstage.

  I was brought to tears several times due to Christina's powerful, God-given talent and also because I had a popcorn kernel lodged in my throat.

OH! And the costumes!  Oh! Oh! I can't say ENOUGH about the costumes!  I wanted to climb into the Big Screen and beat up one of those Burlesque dancers of yours and steal her wardrobe.  And I'm MORMON!  (We aren't supposed to fight or steal.)  THAT'S how much I loved the costumes.

The only problem I saw with your movie (besides the fact there was no believable story line) was that I WAS NOT IN IT!

I seem to have missed my calling.  I am SUPPOSED to be on a seedy stage in Hollywood wearing feathers and sequins and dancing my heart my out in the hopes of being discovered.  

Here is the thing, Cher,  I CAN DO ALL THOSE MOVES!  I really, really can, Can Can! I can shimmy and shake and bake. 

I can't sing like Christina, I but HAVE been asked to sing in the church Christmas play.  I will be singing a parody of The Carol of The Bells, which is sorta the same thing.

In short, if you just give me a chance I would love to be in your next Burlesque-type film.  You won't regret it.

Much Love,

PS  I already own my own fishnet stockings so... I'm ready when you are...