Saturday, October 16, 2010

Little Hotties and Tiger Chips

"Your laugh is infectious.  Stop it," said my sister, Michelle, yesterday as I laughed infectiously at a stupid clip featuring The Muppets crazy Swedish chef.

Side note:  Whyz the chef gotta be Swedish, huh?  What are they trying to say? I think it's a little racist. 

That guy is NUTS!  That Muppet Chef blew up two talking pumpkins with a bazooka and created pumpkin pies in their stead.  His sidekick, Beaker (who happens to be a talking singing beaker with fabulous orange hair fluff) , is really a very impressive soprano.  His harmony is right on... I'm a little jealous...

Michelle spends a great deal of time contemplating the likes of Dickens, Dante and that guy who wrote War and Peace.  Michelle says a lot of big, fancy words.  Michelle writes poetry that gets published by Ivy League colleges.

Michelle hates it when I make her laugh with Idiot Humor.  I only use Idiot Humor with Michelle because it is beneath her.

I derive great joy when I can see a laugh coming on after I imitate Animal from the Muppets.  I enjoy how she argues with herself before the laughter escapes her lips without consent.  I am delighted when she internally berates herself for succombing to The Laugh I inspire.

Then she says, "Shut up!  You act like a child."

Then I do a ridiculous dance that may involve flapping my arms and wobbling my knees around precariously.

Then she laughs more and belittles herself further internally for allowing such tomfoolery to entertain her highly developed mind.

Michelle is the baby of the house but far exceeds both of her sisters in maturity.  (It's not saying much, really...)

I have fallen in love with her children.  Josh and Julia.  They speak my language.


We went to Mt. Lemmon yesterday.  It was 54-ish degrees.  I am a desert rat.  I lost all sensation in my feet, finger tips and face.

"I am very cold, Julia." I said.  "I have holes in my pants and this mountain is very very cold."

"You're right," said Julia.  "Mountain is cold.  Very cold."

"I need a big hug to warm me up and make me feel all better," I said.

She wrapped her arms around me.

"Thank you, Julia!  I feel so much better now!  You are very huggy and warm."

"Aunt Crystal Lion," said she.

"Julia Lion," I said.  I like to be agreeable whenever possible.


I was my nephew's hero today when I supplied him with a giant bag of Puffed Cheetos.  He was The Keeper of the Cheetos and distributed them wisely and evenly, one at a time, to the other children. He was Big Brother Government.  Socialism at it's best.  Obama would have approved, I think.

"Tiger Chips...," said Josh with an orange smile.

I crouched down so we could see eye to eye on the issue.

"I love Tiger Chips, Joshy," I said.  "They are crunchy and extra Orange."  My face was dead serious.

"Crunchy," said he.

"Tiger chips are delicious and synthetic.  They make me ROAR.  Like this...," I roared loudly, but not so loudly as to scare the child.

Then we both roared.

"Roar like the movie," said Josh.

"Yes!  Like the movie!" said I and roared again. 

I'm not sure what movie to which he was referring... but when in Rome, ya know?


I like to call Bill:  Bill "Prepare-ed-ness" Burger.

Bill is always prepared.  He seeks out and collects any cool gadge that might be used in case of a critical disaster.  He always carries a handy pocket knife... in his pocket, which is exactly what the name infers...

"I can't feel my fingertips!" I groaned.

Bill rushed to his car and emerged with a Little Hottie for each of my hands.  That's TWO Little Hotties, Folks. 

Little Hotties are tiny magical bean bags that get warm with the power of your mind when you shake them.  The heat lasts for eight hours.  EIGHT HOURS!  It's a modern MIRACLE, I tell you!

Bill will have the last laugh when the world goes up in smoke and we all go running to him in the hopes he might toss us an M.R.E. or a road flare.

Bill then forced me to watch clips of the Muppets on his laptop.  It was my turn to laugh against my better judgement.

I really identify with The Muppet called Animal.  That's his name.  Animal.   I feel he shares my Loves, Hopes and Fears.  He and I want the same things out of life.  Can you see the expressiveness in his eyes?  He and I are kindred spirits. Carpe Diem.  Seize the day, my friend.

PS  My camera is going blind.  She is very sensitive about her malady and does not know she is being replaced soon.  Don't tell her as it will make her feel obsolete... which she will be...