Sunday, September 26, 2010

First Kiss Ever

I'll tell you about mine if you'll tell me about yours.  The thought of First Kisses Ever always makes me smile.  I'd love to stop strangers on the street and ask them to tell me the tale of their very first lip lock.

Totally can't sleep.  Wanna.  Can't.  Ambien will kick in shortly so if this post gets wonky in a few it's not me... it's The Devil.  So let's play, shall we?  Yes.  Let's. 

I was 14.  His name was Kyle.  He was 14 too.  He was the dreamiest boy I had ever encountered.  *sigh*

I met Kyle at a church dance.  I fell head over heels the moment I witnessed his finesse on the dance floor.  He had clearly spent a great deal of time studying MC Hammer's every move.  I was impressed.

Our eyes met.  I looked away. 

"AHH!  HE LOOKED AT ME!" I told my friend. 

A slow song began to play.  Lady in Red.  He started walking toward me.  I stared at the floor.

Next thing I knew I heard, "You wanna dance?"

I feel really super bad for boys and men.  It's gotta be so scary to put themselves out there like that!

I have a son and I swear I will STRANGLE any little 14 year old tramp that says, "No." when he asks her to dance. I will hunt her down and grab her by the throat and...  I digress...  Sorry about that...

I've never made a first move of any kind with anyone in my life.  I always just sent out the appropriate vibes and waited until they came to me.  It would suck to be so vulnerable. 


After that dance Kyle and I decided we were coo-coo for Co-Co Puffs.

"Do you wanna be my girlfriend?" he asked.

Did Brittany spears go nuts and shave all her hair off?  Did Paris Hilton exit a vehicle and flash her Lady to the paparazzi?  YES!


Mormons are taught not to date until the age of 16 so I LIED TO MY MOTHER.

I convinced her to drop me and Coral off at Justin's Water World where Kyle and his Best Friend were waiting.

The four of us enjoyed a whole day of water slides and weird early teenage flirting. 

I remember suddenly feeling very aware of my new curves.  I hadn't really noticed them before.  They pretty much emerged from out of nowhere one day.  BLAM!  Lovely Lady lumps all over the place!

It came time to say goodbye to Kyle.

I was terrified.  I knew what was coming.  I could feel it in my soul.

"Well," he said putting his hands awkwardly around my waist, "I guess I should say goodbye now."

"Uh huh," I replied.  My entire body was stiff as a board.  My heart raced.  Blood rushed to my head.  I felt dizzy.

Next thing I knew his lips were on mine and my little sister was jumping up and down behind me shouting,


I didn't stop it.  I had entered a whole new world.

Heat radiated from every pore in my body. Electricty shot from my head to my toes and back again. My legs threatened to cease supporting me.  I softened like a stick of butter on the kitchen counter.

It was over before I knew it.

I stood there with mouth agape and eyes out of focus.

"You're disgusting," said Coral.

I wanted to be disgusting everyday for the rest of my life.

Kyle later showed his undying affection by mailing me a pair of red lace panties he had found in his older brother's sock drawer.  I'm hoping they belonged to his brother's girlfriend, but you never know...

Kyle moved to Germany and I never saw him again.

I think he was destined to be shorter than me though, so it never would have worked out anyway.

Your turn.