Saturday, July 31, 2010

Push Over

I have a sneaking suspicion Lori hates me.

She sent me an e-mail requiring I wake up at 5:30 am on a Saturday, which is the middle of the night as far as I’m concerned.

I was to assist her in running her Yard Sale.

So I got up at the butt-crack of DAWN to run a YARD SALE!!

I’m just gonna go ahead and say it… I am an EXCEPTIONAL FRIEND. And NO I don’t want to be YOUR friend. I have enough friends asking me to use my crazy, mad skills at their various activities so you’ll have to be content with stalking my blog…

Lori’s husband, Julian, suggested I contribute to their Yard Sale earnings by selling MYSELF!  He thought $5 would be a fair price. I think $5 for a half-breed is pretty generous actually. No one wanted to purchase me at that price… so here I still am…
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I forgive Julian for offering me up to get gain because he introduced me to Little Loca. I am now addicted. I’m sure we were sisters in another life. Without Julian I never would have found her!

"Little Loca reminds me of YOU," said Julian.   Thanks, Man!  Seriously. She's pretty Hard Core...

Demarco is son to Lori and Julian. He is quite a salesperson. Every 30 seconds he would insist I purchase his helicopter for $5. (Which incidentally is also the going price for Mormon mothers of four who go by the name of Crystal.)

Demarco told me all about the various exciting features of said Helicopter.

“I don’t think I want it,” I said. “It can’t fly.”

“Yeah but if you PRETEND it can fly than IT WILL!” he said.

He wouldn’t let up.

“Aren’t you gonna buy my helicopter?” he asked ad nauseum.

“I will buy the helicopter if no one else does,” I promised.


I became very attached to the merchandise and hoped everything would go to a good, wholesome home with strong moral values.

I felt badly for some of the items on display.

People can be very cruel and prejudiced.

I kept trying to sell this one-legged Ticker Bell. I felt her pain. I wanted her to find a human who would love her and invite her to tea parties and lovingly leave her out in the sand box overnight to be urinated upon by the family dog.

But no one wanted her.

I wanted to shout at the Yard Salers.

“Hey, people! Why have you hardened your hearts so? It’s not HER fault she is CRIPPLED! Just because she is missing an appendage does not make her any LESS of a human being! Have you never seen TOY STORY??? It’s the saddest damn tale every TOLD!”

I would have bought the Ticker Bell myself, but what the Hell am I going to do with a ONE-LEGGED doll? She’s damaged goods, as far as I’m concerned. Hmmph!

There were times at the Yard Sale when costumers were sparse. This is precisely when I would torture Lori’s kids by pretending to attack them with high powered drills and such.

Pretend your terrified!” I barked at them with a snarl.

“Will you put me on your blog?” they asked.

“Only if you give me all your money and your hamster,” I said.

They looked unsure but gave me what I asked. I’ve decided to name the hamster Push Over.

It was a fair trade, I think.