Wednesday, April 21, 2010


I got up at FOUR AM yesterday.  Middle of the FREAKIN' night!

5th grade FIELD TRIP!  And it WAS!... a trip, I mean.

I wore my Wonder Woman shirt. 

Serena said, "You look like you're wearing a costume."

"Do you want me to change?  I don't want to embarrass you,"  I said.

 "It's fine." 

I was assigned my very own group of 5th graders.  We boarded a plush tour bus and allowed it to take us to various destinations in Arizona.  Perhaps this week I will share some details regarding where we went.

In my group were 11 year old boys who eyed me with suspicion when I said (dead pan), "I'm Crystal.  That's what I want you to call me.  I wore my Wonder Woman shirt so I could look like a SUPER HERO and possibly save the day."  I didn't smile.  Neither did they. 

I swear I could hear their thoughts,  You have GOT to be KIDDING!  She is WAAAAYY too OLD to be wearing a Wonder Woman shirt.  Vastly uncool. 

My goal for the day?  These boys would ADORE me if it killed me!  (The girls would too. But girls are easy.)

I began by saying, "Let's sit in the back of the bus! 'Cause that's where the COOL kids sit!"

I think they hated me a little at that point. 

My next plan of attack?


FOOD, FOLKS AND FUN... THAT'S MY MOTTO! (I thieved it from Mickey Dees but it works.)  I lured them in with snacks.  I brought chips and candy and cookies.  I made sure they understood I too loved junk food.

I said, "I too love junk food."

I heard them discussing Nascar.  They were very excited about it.

"I LOVE Nascar!" I said.  I know NOTHING about Nascar.  But I'm pretty sure I love it because its fast cars and VROOM VOOM VROOM CRASH BANG BOOM, ya know? So I'm pretty sure I was being honest.

They included me in their convo.

"So who is your favorite driver?" a boy asked.

"Um... it's just so hard to CHOOSE!" I said.  (It is.  But mostly because I don't know the choices.)

I had picked up The Arizona Daily Star on the way to the school.  I pulled it out of my bag and found the FUNNIES.

Most kids in this day and age have never even SEEN a real, live newspaper because everything is paperless now. 

"So you want me to show you a trick?" I asked.

Again with the suspicious exchange of glances.

"Check this out..." I said.  I licked my thumb and then pressed it to Dilbert's face.  The boys stared at me as if I had COMPLETELY lost my mind but I could tell they were curious.  I pulled my thumb off the paper and showed them.  TAA DAA!

"I have a cartoon on my thumb!" I said.

"Woah!"  One boy exclaimed!  "Cool!"  said another.  "I wanna try!" said a third.

"I know, right?!"  I said.  "You can even spit in your palm and put spit on your FACE and then stick the the paper to your FACE!"

"No way!!!!"  All the boys in my group could be identified for the remainder of the day by the black ink cartoons on their cheeks and foreheads.


I won them over.

At one point a boy said, "Hey Crystal, can you run and jump and reach that super high tree branch?"

I ran and jumped and hit the tree branch.  WOO HOO!

By the end of the day they were like, "You look like you're 20!  Or like 25 or something!"

"I do?!  Well that's awesome because I am OOOOOLLLLLD!" I said.

"How old are you?"


"My mom is 38 or 36 or something."

"Wow.  She's REALLY old!" I said.

Then we started rapping and singing on the bus.  And everyone was nutzo.

Then I was like, "You guys like my Wonder Woman shirt?"

One kid was like, "YEAH! YOU LOOK LIKE A SUPER HERO!"


 HERE IS MY PROOF.    I realize I look like CRAP but after a full day with 5th graders at Kartchner Caverns and Touring an actual MINE what do you expect???