I can’t hold my sugar. I’m totally serious here. I get straight up STUPID! (More stupid than usual, I mean.)
I just had a chocolate pie thingy my Dad brought home for me. (Because I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS, which I actually LOVE.) It was super delish with Oreo cookie crust which is FAN-TABULOUS because I am an Oreo Cookie HOOKER.
And I’m all alone writing this at 2 am and I can’t sleep ‘cause I’m all amp-ed on suga, Suga’. I’m ALL GIGGLY, which should embarrass me because I’m ALL ALONE. And plus I very rarely get embarrassed. I don’t know why. I’m pretty sure I SHOULD be embarrassed at least 85% of the day. But I’m not. There are plenty of folks around that are consistently embarrassed FOR me so….
I realize it is SOCAILLY UNACCEPTABLE to giggle all alone. But don’t you think that’s a weird concept? I mean, how can something that is done in the presence of no one be SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE?! I’m just sayin’.
The last sugar high I experienced was on Saturday night. I had a bowl of ice cream with that magical hard shell, ya know? It’s a miracle of sorts in my mind because it comes out of the bottle all liquid-y and then suddenly it becomes a solid confection delight. Magical, really. I don’t even CARE about ice cream. I barely like it. But I thought I’d be open-minded. (Some people think Mormons are closed-minded but I’m here to PROVE the stereotype is WRONG!)
I got RETARDED. SUPER-LAUGHING-UNCONTROLLABLY RETARDED. I DO that sometimes.
I turned to my husband. I was laughing like a loon.
“You know what would be SOOOOOO funny?” I asked.
He didn’t even answer. He just waited. He knows the drill.
“WHAT IF I wore a SUPER SCARY MASK AND I SCARED THE KIDS TOMORROW!?” I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe.
I was gasping for air as I said, “YOU COULD FILM IT!! OOOHHHHHH AND WHAT IF WE SCARED MY DAD?! HE SPOOKS EASILY. HE’LL TOTALLY SCREAM! AND YYYYOOOUUU COULD FILM IT!! YOU COULD CROUCH DOWN BEHIND THE COUCH AND I’LL CALL EACH PERSON INDIVIDUALLY! AHHHHH HAAAAAHAAAAAAA!”.
He just shook his head. (He’s one that gets embarrassed FOR me, which is really sweet because, I mean, I engage in VERY embarrassing behavior and it’s only RIGHT that SOMEBODY be embarrassed. I‘m really Ok with it because if he engaged in the same behavior it would be SHEER BADLAM! I‘d be like, WHO‘S DRIVIN‘ THIS THING? Cuz it ain‘t me!)
I kept going. “I CAN TOTALLY PICTURE IT! I’LL CALL EACH PERSON BY NAME INDIVIDUALLY…ONE AT A TIME, WHICH IS REDUNDANT, I KNOW…” I was holding my abs at this point because they HURT from the laughing. “AND THEN I’LL JUMP OUT AND BE ALL LIKE: BLOUGHHAHAHAHAHAA!!!!! …THAT WOULD BE SOOOOO FUNNY!!”
He grimaced.
“DON’T YOOOUUUU THINK IT WOULD BE FUNNY?”
“Yeah.”
“THEN WWWWHHHHHY ARE YOU NOT LAUGHING? DO YOU SEE HOW I’M LAUGHING? THIIISSSSS IS HOW LAUGHING IS DONE!”
He exhaled and kept watching TV.
“I am laughing,” he said. He TOTALLY was NOT laughing.
"I'M TOTALLY GONNA DO IT. TOMORROW. I CAN'T WAIT!"
"You KNOW that mask makes the little ones cry," he said.
"I KNOW!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! IT'LL PUT HAIR ON THEIR CHESTS. TOUGHEN THEM UP!"
He sighed.
“OOooOOOO I WONDER WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF I WORE THE MASK TO THE SAFEWAY PARKING LOT AND JUST WALKED AROUND… THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS!!!!! LIKE IF I JUST STOOD NEXT TO PEOPLE. ALL I WOULD DO IS STAND THERE AND DO NOTHING. AHHHH HAAAAAHHHAAAAAA! I. CAN’T. BREATHE…. AHHH HHHHAAAAAA HAAA! I’M GONNA TRY IT. YOOOOUUUU COULD FILM ME!! AHH HAAAA HAAAA!”
He sighed. “You can’t do that.”
“YES HUH! I CAN! IT’S NOT AGAINST THE LAW, IS IT?” I actually wasn’t sure if it was against the law or not. I still don’t know.
He said, “You can’t do that because some dude will punch you.”
“NOOOOOO!!!! NO DUDE IS GONNA PUNCH A MAN WITH BOOOBS! HE IS NOT GONNA PUNCH A MASK WEARING MAN WITH BOOBS! BAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!”
The convo was over at that point because he got up and walked into a different room. I’m pretty sure he was laughing on the inside.
You think I’m exaggerating, don’t you? I’m not. I’m really, really not. I come unglued sometimes. I can’t help it! Seriously!
I don't even NEED to do drugs! All I need SUGAR to ensure an altered state of mind. No uppers necessary! Just hook me up with a piece of cheesecake and PRESTO CHANGE-O! Lunacy! I'm pretty lucky.
If I were a mature adult I might get up and walk to a different room too. My retard-o behavior might irritate me a bit after ohhhhh 13 years or so… Being married to a woman that simply CANNOT hold her sugar in polite company (or at home in private) might be a trying ordeal after more than a decade. I mean, could YOU be married to me for that length of time and not lose your ever-lovin’ mind??? Nope. Didn’t think so.
Mmmmk. So I just put the mask on to take of pic for you all and I walked by a mirror and SERIOUSLY SCARED the CRAP outta myself! I’m totally not kidding! I jumped… Then I laughed. I’m still laughing.. All alone. You embarrassed? YOU SHOULD BE.
