Monday, April 5, 2010

Seriously though, do you care?

Once someone said to me, 'Wow.  Most women don't stay home with their kids anymore.  That's impressive.  You need someone to give YOU what you give everyone else."

I was floored.  Rare insight.  Impressive?  I often tend to view myself not as impressive but as lacking in some major way.  People ask, "Do you work?". I answer, "I work at home."  The relpy usually goes along the lines of, "Oh so you don't have a job.  You just stay home."

I wonder a lot whether the people I serve on a daily basis actually CARE about me as a human being.  We can call this a Mommy Rant, if you will.

Does this dog I'm washing in my personal bathtub CARE about me as a human being?  I think not.

The other day I sad, "Tyson, come here, honey."

He ignored me.

"Tyson, come here, bud,' I said.

He ignored me again.

Bella whispered to T.  "Mama wants you to go over there, Ty."

"Yeah but Mama is so nice I can ignore her if I'm busy."


I HATE to be ignored.  Makes me feel invisible.

Seriously though! Does he care?!

I was in bed just now.  Tossing and turning.  Finally I got up and made a tube of buscuits which I am eating now.

"Tyson, do you want Mama to be a mean, ugly Mama that yells?" I asked.


"Did you know Mama has feelings?"

He hesitated.  He really wasn't sure.  "Ummm  yes?"

"Yes.  And when I'm nice to you and you treat me badly it hurts my feelings.  It makes me sad."

Then Maya piped up.  "I make you sad A LOT because I NEVER listen!"

I chuckled. "Seriously though, do you care about me?"

They looked confused.  It had not occured to them they should have to care about me.  A new concept. I lavish them with Love so I know it won't be long until the idea is second nature.

I'm losing my house this week.  I thought I was ok.  But I sat on my kitchen floor at 130am tonight and ached for the beatiful custom floors and cabinets I hand chose myself.  I'm a brat, I know.  But I'm filled with an overwhelming sense of loss.

So I turn to the peope I care for.  I feel needy.  I want to ask, Seriously though, do you care?  Do you care about ME?  This is a vulnerable question to ask, isn't?  Nobody wants to come off needy but seriously though... do you?

(This is kinda a retorhical question.  I'm not fishing here. Just feelin' a little blue.)