Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Eat Up!

Victoria's Secret is hot hot hot. I've been perusing the Christmas 2009 catalog tonight. I'll take one of each, please.

I've decided to gain some weight. I am going to put some serious effort into thickening my thighs and booty. It's crazy right? Most women are dying to shed a few pounds. Well. I've lost a few in the last couple weeks and I hate it.

If I could choose any image to portray it would be BOMBSHELL. Think Marlyn Monroe or Sophia Lauren. If I were a street sign I would want to read "Caution: curves ahead".

My sisters would think I was nuts if they read this. They pride themselves on being long and lean. In high school, my kid sis actually strapped her boobs down with multiple sports bras in order to portray a slim, boyish figure. She's really into that Audrey Hepurn "I'm so cute" mentality. I don't wanna be cute.

I have a really good friend in her 60's. She is one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. Her hair is silver. Her eyes are brilliant blue. Her skin is smooth and flawless. Recently my friend lost about 20 lbs. Suddenly her skin has lost it's perfection. Suddenly she looked older. It saddens me.

I'm sure my friend feels accomplished in her weight loss. Women always feel accomplished when they lose weight. Even if they look awful. I know I've fallen victim to that flawed perspective. I don't want women to think they are better than me because they are skinnier. So I starve. Then I realize I've become skeletal. YUCK! No man wants a skeleton in the closet.

Victoria's Secret models are smokin, baby. Guess why? 'Cause they've got curves. Their faces are soft. Their stomachs are soft. Their tushies are round. I wanna look like THAT!

High fashion mags feature stick straight models. Those women are all angles and sunken eye sockets. When I look at Vogue or Elle I rarely think, 'OOOO I wanna look like that super boney model'. I usually just think, 'OOOO I wonder if I could get that outfit in MY size'.

Here's another argument for weight gain: I'm happiest when I'm eating. Seriously. I get positively silly when faced with a tantalizing dinner of chicken wings (I'm just getting started), baked potato with everything, salad with lots of ranch dressing, a juicy steak (med rare) and chocolate cake. Woah mama! Anyone who knows me is well aware I become completely slap happy after a meal like that. I cannot be contained.

Thanksgiving is right around the corner. It couldn't have come at a better time. I'm a slave to mashed potatoes, rolls with real butter, stuffing, pineapple ham, and pumpkin pie with whipped cream. Sigh. I plan to eat with wild abandon. I give you permission to do the same.

I can't be sure but maybe Victoria's secret is: Don't skip dessert...

P.S. My favorite color is red if you feel the need to hook me up with some V.S. I'm easy to please... :)