Round and round the mulberry bush the monkey chased the weasel

We took the children skating tonight, my husband and I.

Mr. Pistol sat the sidelines and waved as the rest of us circled the rink. 

"I don't skate," he said.

"I should hope not," said I.  "I could not be attracted to a skating fairy man."

It's true.  I need my man to be Stable.  Solid.  Somewhat serious. Sometimes silly.  Super sexy.  Sweaty, salty and succulent.  ...I'll Stop. 

My man can't be giggling and prancing about with skates on his feet as he circles round and round, ashes ashes we all fall down.

HEAVEN FORBID HE FELL DOWN! 

It is terribly embarrassing for a grown person to fall down in public.  Especially if you have knowingly strapped contraptions to your feet that insist you must fall down at some juncture in time.  Gravity and Satan sometimes conspire.

Children fell down left and right at the rink tonight.  I smiled and asked, "Are you okay, honey?" every time I rolled up to a heap of child on the floor before me.  To which they would nod at the fearsome stranger with the toothy grin, hop up and sail away in terror.

My son had a wonderful time.  I encourage his childhood skating enthusiasm.  He should relish these days.  For one day there will come a time when he will of his own accord look to his father's example and say,

"I don't skate."

Tis the way of things in the circle of life.  There is a time to reap and a time to sow and a time to skate.  But one must put off childish things if he is ever to be big and burly like his daddy.

It was the adults falling and flailing that had my attention.

My husband barrel laughed with his enormous chest as grown men wobbled and tottered and finally made a close inspection of the slippery floor.

Have you ever watched a grown person skate?  I don't mean the show off ones that zoom and zip and backwards zop.  Those people should be removed from the premises.  Showboating not allowed. 

Have you ever watched a teetering tottering panic faced arms flailing grown person skate?

Oh my!  But you MUST!  You simply MUST!  It's great fun.  You find yourself cheering for their equilibrium.  You shout an internal plea for the gods of balance to assist the unstable.

You also find yourself terribly amused by the over 18's who choose to join in the adult persons race.

You are amused by the bearded man in the red mesh shirt and over-hanging beer belly.  He is surprisingly agile and quick.

You are impressed by the very fit young black woman wearing white diaper shorts with elastic ending just below each tight and toned buttock.  She skates like the wind, Bullseye.

 You can't help but notice an enormous lurpy man perhaps 6'6 in height with longish hair growing around the sides and back of his otherwise spit shiney head.  Slow and steady wins the race in some cases.  Not here.  But in some cases.  The bigger they are, you know...

You are surprised to note at least seven grown people participating in this racing event.  You wouldn't be caught dead.

Red mesh shirt man cuts diaper girl off in the roller race and wins by an over-hanging belly hair.

In the melee a chubby mother of four finds that her legs have flown out from under her and are now waving wildly above her head. She has landed on her noggin and cracked it soundly. Official teens in stripped black and white referee jerseys escort her off the floor of shame.

After the race you resume helping your youngest child slowly make her way in the world.  She clings to your hand and to the sticky pony wall for dear life.  The smile on her face makes the 2,000 wobbly laps worth the effort.

Your child then falls very very hard, injures her little self and wails like a banshee. 

You feel defeated.  You tried so hard for 2 full hours to protect her from pain. You held her hand and helped her stand and inch along. 

You realize that on the rink and in life you cannot protect her.  She will fall.  You join her in the wail of the banshee.

Time to go home.

A wonderful time was had by all.

Pink

Went skating again.  Here are some pics.  You can see that a child was taken out.  This is a common skating syptom.  It's a very dangerous sport.  I like to live dangerously. 

You can also see that one of out four of my children are happy in this picture.  I look pretty irritated myself.  My children enjoy killing each other in their spare time. 

I'm pretty crazy.  Everyone I meet is pretty nuts in their own way.  Some people pretend to be normal... but they are the ones that snap one fine and and set their own hair on fire.  I'm grateful to be obviously crazy for that very reason.


I also feel strongly about the fact that if you carry around a VICTORIA'S SECRET bag in the mall you get more respect.  But only if it's a small one.  If it is extaordinately large then everyone knows you bought a sweat suit and that's only marginally hot. If the bag is small-ish you could be packin' somethin' worth noticing... like a T-shirt that says PINK in very large letters.

And also I dreamed I was being chased by an amorous donkey.  It was pretty scary.

Actually, that's a lie.  I didn't dream that.  But I thought to myself, it would be funny if you dreamed about an amorous donkey chasing you.  So I lied to you about that.  I'm very sorry.

I must be very careful what I say.  The Mormons are watching me... 

Just kidding. 

No I'm not.

I like Mormons.  I AM one.  (A Mormon.)  There are a lot of good, kind Mormons.

I promise I have taken no drugs today.  In case you were wondering, this is how my brain works reg-lur-ly.

It Hurts When You Fall!

I took my kids roller skating today. They forced me. I was like, “No! I will NOT spend money on frivolous frivolities that are frivolous!”

They informed me that not only would I take them skating with a smile but that I would in fact wear the hideous roller skates provided by the facility and make a complete and utter fool of myself in public, which I tend to do anyway without hideous brown shoes with wheels attached so I agreed.

“We don’t care if you fall down,” they said. “But you’ll look ridiculous.”

As I am always ‘likening’ random stuff to other random stuff in my mind, I would like to liken Roller Skating At Skate Country to Life In General.

I arrived at Skate Country full of apprehension. I have not roller skated since I was 16 years old, so approximately 150 years. I have not skated for 150 years! And today I strapped on the ol’ feed bag. I was full of nerves.

In life we strap on the ol’ feed bag daily when we sit down to eat. Liken. Liken. Liken.

Skate Country reminded me of an indoor ghetto. I was concerned at first because I inadvertently left my “9” at home. Next time I will know to bring it.

The world we live in is sorta like a contained ghetto. The idea is good. There are fun and beautiful things to enjoy but we know we are just passing through. The place we came from was far better and the place we are going is far more promising. Unless of course you are going to hell, in which case, I will meet you there… Earth is full of terror and disease and body odor.

As I prepared to skate I was full of terror and I smelled a great deal of body odor.

I wobbled when I stood up. On Earth we wobble when we are drunk, but I don’t drink so the analogy does not apply.

I pretended to join my children in the “Beginner’s Only” section in odre to "help" them.

 A little boy of about eight years of age watched me wobbling on my sober, Mormon Mama legs. He opened his eyes wide and shouted, “IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL!” I looked him the eye. He shouted again, “IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL!”

My blood ran chill.

IN LIFE IT HURTS WHEN YOU FALL.

I observed the people skating around me.

People were falling down left and right. Not just tripping up a little. They were like BLAM! SLAM! I mean folks were FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND!

I must admit I laughed.

I laughed hard. I didn’t just giggled or chuckle. Nope.

I laughed so hard I thought I might injure myself internally. And every time I saw someone else TOTALLY EAT IT I laughed anew. I positively HOWLED every time gravity and lack of balance got the better of someone.

I laughed at small children I laughed at my OWN small children. They cried. Still I laughed. I couldn’t help it!

In life I always find the funny in every situation. Why? BECAUSE IT’S ALL A JOKE! It really is! Ultimately, when this life is over we will see how TRIVIAL most of our stresses actually are. The bottom line is we are all falling constantly. We have to get back up. Bruised. Battered. Steadier on our feet. Brace ourselves. Prepare to fall again.

I continued to observe the people skating. Some people were weaving in and out and making a great show of their very impressive roller skating skills. They ZOOMED past and held their proud heads high as if to say, “I AM SPEEDY GONZALES AND YOU ARE HIS SLOW FAT COUSIN FROM THE COUNTRY WHOSE NAME I CANNOT REMEMBER BUT IT WAS SOMETHING LIKE POKEY PEDRO!”

Other skaters were very cautious and clung to the wall along with 3 decades worth of boogers left by other very cautious skaters with snots in their noses.  My Bella was one of the Wall Clingers.

In life, I sometimes find boogers smeared on the walls of my own home.

Then there was the D.J. I watched my five year old request her favorite Lady Gaga. The self-important, greasy teenager tossed his greasy self-important hair off of his forehead and said, “I’ll see what I can do.”

He was high atop his pedestal usurping whatever little power he had over helpless skaters.

In life, if he ever uses that bored tone with my five year old again I will personally yank him off his greasy pedestal and stick his head in a toilet and proceed to flush vigorously over and over again as I repeat, “I’ll see what I can do…”.

So you see, roller skating is exactly like life.

I even wore my red FAITH HAT. I bought this hat when I thought spending over $100 on a blinged-out baseball hat was reasonable. I rationalized the purchase by reminding myself of the importance of FAITH and by also reminding myself that Madonna was featured wearing the SAME EXACT HAT in Star Magazine. (It’s true. Me and Madonna wear the same head gear. I’m pretty amazing. And so is Madonna because she is the most attractive 95 year old I have ever seen!)

By the end of my roller skating experience I was  ZOOMER.  I'm pretty athletic so it didn't take long for me to leave my kids in the dust.  I left them to fall and flounder and get run over by over-zealous teenagers. It's GOOD for them!  It will put hair on their chests!  Isn't that what EVERY mother wants for her son and three daughters?

SUPER STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!