"You look different. Your energy is different," said a friend last night. "There is a light in your eyes I haven't seen in you before. I want that. How can I get that?"
"You have to follow The Rules," I said.
She rolled her eyes. "What rules? Your MORMON rules?" she asked.
"No," I responded. "THE Rules. The Rules of Engagement. The Rules of The Universe. The Rules The Gods must abide."
She stared at me blankly.
"Don't pretend you don't know what I mean," I said. "You know exactly what I'm saying."
She agreed that there are indeed rules that must be followed in order to recieve more Light and Knowledge. Everyone on this Earth innately knows these rules.
"Following those rules is hard. I don't want to. I'm fine as I am," she said. "I can't be confined like that."
I've thought/prayed long and hard about our conversation.
I understand not wanting to be confined.
I started running away from home when I was five because I wanted to expand my horizons. My mother was terrified to take a shower because there was a good chance I would escape and be found an hour later wandering the crime ridden streets of South Tucson, perfectly content, with my thumb in my mouth.
I value freedom. I crave adventure and excitement. I have always been a free spirit. I have always wanted to see more than what lay before me.
My life as a Mormon mother and wife seems to be the most confining job I could have possibly chosen. There are SOOOO many RULES!
I've prayed and asked God, Why?. Why was I born into a religion that expects so much? Why do other people do horrible things and emerge visibly unscathed while my guilty conscience devours me whole for mistakes I make?
I still don't know.
I do, however, have a great deal of Faith. Faith is my Power.
This religion has been given to me and my moral code won't let me rest unless I live it fully. I have faith there is a reason for all things and people in which I come in contact.
I need what I will experience and have experienced in this life to progress. I can feel the truth of that statement in my very soul.
I have heard people talk in church and say "Following rules is True Freedom." It always made me roll my eyes and bite my lip.
I have prayed not only to read and hear the truth of those words but to feel them.
Suddenly, I do.
Suddenly I see a vision before me of drug and porn addicts, pregnant teens, and alcoholics. I see the chains with which they are bound. Strong and unyeilding. I have been spared these sorrows.
On a higher level, I see a spiritual world that only exists for those with enough Faith to see. I feel bursts of Light that consume me during prayer and mediation. This is a gift given only to those who are obedient to the Will of God. They are new to me. I have never experienced this transcendence before. I have never tried so hard ot be obedient.
I am enjoying a Freedom of Spirit I never thought possible. I can see that so many around me are asleep. They walk in darkness at noon day. I remember what that was like. I have fought for the Spiritual Freedom I now enjoy. I intend to keep it.
