Thursday, August 18, 2011



When the Wakey Time Fairies tried to pry my eyes open this morning I felt grumpy. I flicked them against the wall.  Mean, I know.  Those sweet little morning fairies are in peril every time they try to wake me.  They should seek a new line of work.

I don't like morning time much at all.

I'm against morning time.

I woke up Dragon.  Fire breathing Dragon my sleepy, grumpy self down to the kitchen to fix breakfast for my expectant children.  I felt tired.  Run down.  Mad at the world.

I fed my children with a scowl and returned upstairs to do what I never should have ever done.

I raided my husband's medicine cabinet.  He takes all kinds of weightlifting helpers and whatnot.  He can't take steroids like all the other big boys in the gym because we are Mormons and Mormons are expressly forbidden from injecting steroids into our ass cheeks like the cool kids do.  Oh I SO wish we could!  Then I would have shoulders like a man and what delicate, self respecting lady doesn't want THAT?

I searched for relief from my sleepy Dragon.

I found it in powder form.

Hmmm... this looks promising, I thought.

I read the label.

This product may produce an intense sensation of focus, energy, and awareness.  In addition, its key ingerdients may allow for workout domination in conjuction with proper training and diet.  Use with caution under strict dosing protocols.

YES!  YES!  This is exactly what I NEEDED to start the day!  YES!

Workout DOMINATION? DOMINATION?!  I rarely dominate anything... I thought.  I think I like the sound of that.... domination.  

I continued to read the label.

University Studied, it read.

University studied?? I thought.  Well that settles it!  I'm sold!  I will partake.

So I measured out a careless heaping scoop and mixed it with water and choked it down.  Tasted yucky.

Half an hour later it hit me.  BOY OH BOY did it hit me.


I'm trying to be calm here for you BUT I AM FREAKING OUT!  HELP ME!  I'M FLYING AND I CAN'T COME DOWN.


I arrived the gym with wild eyes and a toothy grin.  Usually I wear a hat and pull it down low and lift my weights and mind my own bee's wax.  But NOT TODAY!  OH NO!  Today I scared the stuffing out of all the gym goers with overzealous enthusiasm.

"HELLO!" I said to a shuffling geriatric man.  "HOW ARE YOU TODAY?!  IT'S A LOVELY OUTSIDE, ISN'T IT?"

He startled violently but eventually smiled back.

"COMO ESTAS?!"  I said to my sexy, tight Mexican friend girl.

She immediately asked what was wrong with me.

"Me siento como una locita."    I feel like a little (feminine) lunatic.

In Spanish I explained my desire to jump up and down and run around in circles.  I laughed maniacally.  Couldn't help myself.


Heaven help me.  Oh dear heaven in the sky what have I done?

I made my way to the leg press machine.  I pushed INSANE amounts of weight.

A muscular man-child and buddy stared as I pushed and grunted my way through set after set.

"Dude.  You're strong."

DID YOU HEAR THAT?!  He called me DUDE!!!  YAY!  I'm one of the DUDES!  I'm not one of those prissy, wimpy girls who flirt and strut in their cutest outfit and seek goopy gobs of attention from the physcially stronger sex.  I'M A DUDE!  I have always aspired to become one.

I wore my "THUG" tank to the gym today.  You know the one.  The one that says  "THUG" across the chest?  Yeah.  I'm pretty hardcore.  So that's why.

Anyhoo...  I had a great work out.  I may have a heart attack and DIE later today but I HAD A GREAT WORKOUT!

Dead lift is my favorite leg exercise because I love it because it is booty lifting.

 All the ladies need a good booty lifting exercise these days.  We are fighting GRAVITY, ladies!  The gravity of this grave situation is such that GRAVITY wants to drag our bottoms DOWN.  But we won't let that happen, will we?  WILL WE?!  WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH!!!!  FIGHT TO PRESERVE OUR PERKY BACKSIDES, WE WILL!!

Mmmk so I can't just sit here anymore and write the crap because I need to run up and down my stairs a few times until I collapse.

Ugh!  I am soooo jacked UP!  I am jacked in the beanstalk.  I am Jack and Jilled to the max.  I am a little ditty called Jack and Diane.  Do I like it?  I don't know.  I don't know.  I can't say.  I'm going to a movie tonight with my girlfriends.  We are going to see The Help.  We all read the book so it just makes sense....  It was a really good read.

Does anyone have a Xanax I could bum?

I could sure use it right about now.