Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Get Married Or Get Off The Pot

"Howz this?" I ask.

"Ugh.  Too much bicep."

"Yeah.  You're right. Do it again."

"Are you gonna buy that dress?"

"No.  If I wore it to the church Halloween party I'd get kicked out.  Too much leg.  I'm just a sucker for red Flamenco dress. Had to play in it for a sec..."

"It looks hot."

"Thanks."  I sigh.

We are having An Emergency Shopping.   My cousin, Rosalina, needs to talk.  About things.  Important things of a serious nature. An Emergency Shopping cures all that ails.  Purges the soul of toxins.  Rids the pocketbook of pesky green bills.  Relieves indigestion and unseemly pockmarks.

"Marry him, Bondy," I say.

She laughs.

Rosalina (24) is Bondy, which is short for albondiga, which means meatball. Bondy was a chubby baby.

"I'm serious.  You love him?"


"He worships you.  I've seen it for years. He treats you like a queen.  He has been supportive of you through thick and thin. Through trial and error. He has a good heart... ...Is this top cute or awful?"

"Awful.  Well, we HAVE thought about moving in together."

"What?!  No.  I'm not a fan.  I don't like the idea."

I HATE The Idea.  I want to punch The Idea's lights out!  I want to castrate The Idea and hang his penis on a pole as a warning to Other Ideas.

Call me old-fashioned but I believe in Eternal Commitment.  I believe if a man wants a woman in his bed every night he'd better BUY THAT COW!  He'd better put a ring on her nose and brand her backside and rub her hooves when she's pregnant with his Ferdinand.

"I don't know... Maybe I'd be selling myself short...?" says Bondy.


 She gasps a little and laughs uncomfortably but says nothing.

"How does my butt look in these jeans?" I ask.

"I can't tell.  I forgot my glasses."

"My booty is HUGE!  How can you not see it?!"

She shrugs.

"Mmmmk.  Listen.   

"I'll tell you a story.  I have a close friend that moved in with her boyfriend.  They were all in love and sappy for a couple weeks.  Then she started calling me and texting me at all hours IN TEARS.  

"She wanted marriage. She hated when he introduced her as merely his girlfriend while she did all the duties of a WIFE.  

"My friend obsessed all day about weddings.  She spent hours looking at rings and bridal gowns while he was at work.  She constantly dropped hints regarding her true desires.  Neither of them could rest.  He finally proposed after a year.  

"But statistics indicate that commitment after cohabitation is not the norm.  Most chicks get DUMPED when the dude realizes how hard we are to live with...".

I stopped for breath.

"You look hot in that outfit.  You should definitely buy it..."

"You think so?  Okay.  I think I'll wear it to the casino.  Mark and I are going tonight," she smiles.

"You should have a reception in my mom's backyard.  Like I did." 

"Your mom has already offered that option.  I'll consider it."

"OOooooo SEXY!  \Hold still so I can show the people."

"My turn.  I want to be sexy too."

"It's pretty.  I'm buying it.  I've been needed a sparkly mask for a long time," I say.

"Ha!  Your man would probably LOVE to see that on you..."

"He bought the cow so I suppose it's only fair..."


PS The dude ringing me up asked if I was  A MODEL!  I was all like, "Do all the ladies come in here and think they are adorable in these masks?"

And he was like, "umm well they TRY..."

And I was like, "But they don't ROCK IT like we do, right?"  (I'm embarrassed when cocky crap like that comes outta my mouth.  It doesn't match my internal verbage at all...)

Then he totally laughed and said, "So?  Are you a model?"

ME??? A MODEL???!  *SCREAMS for joy*  Did you HEAR that?!  Somebody thinks I look like a model!!!

Btw, I don't think I look great in any of the pics above.  I sacrifice for YOU, my friends.  Just keep that in mind...