Monday, June 27, 2011



I have been planning for months to take 20 girls camping and now I am taking them to the Bison somethin somethin RESORT in Whatever, ARIZONA!!!!!

I am so excITED I wanna DIE.  DIE, I TELL YOU!

I did all the grocery shopping Saturday.  I shopped and shopped until my shopper was tired.

Here is me shopping for Mexican sweet bread.  Pan dulce.  The pan was for me.  So that I might keep up my strength as I wracked my pea brain regarding menu items, which I will cook, for the many girls in my care.

I love pan dulce.  It is bread and it is sweet and what else could be more wonderful?  Now, I ask you?  What else?

But now that I have been replenished with sweet mana from the Mexicans I must stay the course.


I am VERY POWERFUL!  I could feed these girls WHATEVER I WANT!  I could feed them Liverwurst and Onion Sandwiches for every meal!  And they would be FORCED to consume that delicacy.

I think I WILL feed them Liverwurst Sandwiches.  Yes.  Consider it done.

There is an eleven mile hiked panned.  They will pack a snack on their backs filled with Liver.  Protein and Iron is important.  Liver is chock FULL of those things.

What would their parent's think if I took their beloved daughters for a week and dispensed with Iron and Protein?  They are expecting me to NOURISH their offspring!  Liver it is!

I am cooking every meal.  EVERY MEAL.  It's quite a responsibility.  I will be sure to delegate.  I will say, "here, you girl, with the hair on your head, chop these Onions!"  To another I will command, "And you there, of the sweet piggy tail doo dahs, fry up that there Liver."

This kind of leadership that I do inspires responsibility and fellowship and mutiny.

I am armed to the teeth with food stuffs.  To the very teeth.  It will be my only defense.

With the menu properly under control I went to church.  This is what I wore.

You've seen this dress before.  But here is me putting expensive perfume (Miss Dior Cherie- I'm down to my last drops) on my daughter as I wear this dress, which thing you never had seen previously.

There was a meeting with the parents at church.  To set their minds at ease given all the last minute changes in agenda.

"I am concerned about the 11 mile hike in the hot Arizona sun," said a concerned man.

"We'll take good care of your daughter," I said.

"Yes,  But some of these girls are not prepared for that type of physical endurance...".

"She'll be fine if she wears a hat and carries a water bottle."

"But, I'm concerned..."

"I'm sure your concerns are not my problem, sir.  Maybe you should walk your child more often.  I suggest you do so in the future.  As for your daughter, if she passes out I will drag her to safety by her blistered little toes."

His mouth was agape.  I'm sure he was impressed at how adept I am at handling tough questions.  And also he was pleased I would be sure to care for his child in the most logical manner possible.

(For any of you who actually KNOW this man, I am only joking.  You all know I would carry the fallen girl on my back until I too fell and then we would both be screwed.)


So now I am all packed.

I was very concerned as I packed.

What would I WEAR?!  I can't just wear ANYTHING, you know!  Young girls will only respect you if you look super CUTE all the time.  Cute and stylish.  But not TOO stylish.  Don't wanna seem as though you're trying too hard.

I packed some cute and stylish (but not too stylish) stuff.  Including expensive perfume.  No one will be my friend if I don't smell expensive.  I also packed Red Bull. (It gives you wings)  And... my blankie.

It's time you knew...  I have a ratty blankie.  I sleep with Him every night.  I take him on every trip. He's my good friend that does not give a fig whether or not I smell expensive or have wings.

My sister once tried to take him from me.  She said, "I'm single.  You HAVE a man to snuggle with.  I want your blankie.  He is so perfect for a cuddle."  I replied, "You're off your rocker, sister.  This here is my cuddle bunny.  I can't snuggle with my REAL man at night.  It's too hot and squishy. And when my real live man wraps his arms around me in my sleep with his big 'ol tree trunk arms I can't breathe."  I bought Coral her own blankie. 

OK, folks.  I'm off.  See ya next week.  That's all she wrote.