Monday, September 27, 2010


I think oxygen is over-rated so I decided to wear Spanx to church yesterday.  Spanx cuts off circulation to the brain and causes a drug like trip.  I sat in church attempting to sing and found I was under every note for the lack of wind to my diaphragm.  Then I saw a pink unicorn swallow a toddler whole.

My husband bought me a fabulous red dress.  He picked it out himself.  I always let him dress me.   If he doesn't like it I don't wear it.  I want to make him mad for me, I tell you!  Simply mad!

 WHAT A HAPPY SURPRISE!  Thank you, Mr.  Sexy Pants!  I love it!  Muah!

I wanted the knit dress to drape flawlessly.  So I opened a package of Spanx that has been hibernating for a year or so... I bought it during an especially dramatic self-loathing bout.   I normally like myself enough not to inflict this kind of torture.  I was feeling masochistic and lumpy.

So yesterday I  S-QUUUUEEEEEE-ZZZZZ-EEEE-DDDDDD my thighs into a spandex casing smaller than a kinder's tube sock. I'm not gonna lie.   It got ugly.

I grunted and hmpphhed and gahhhh-ed my way into stretchy underpant Hell. I wiggled and wormed and pulled.  AHHH! SUCCESS!  Once I was securely suffocated I SNAPPED the top of the the contraption.

"Yup.  I'm in alright," I said to my reflection.

I found the following on Wikipedea:

In the late 19th century concern about reports of tight lacing caused a movement for rational dress. Some doctors were found to support the theory that corsetry was injurious to health (particularly during pregnancy) and women who did tight lacing were condemned for vanity and excoriated from the pulpit as slaves to fashion. In reality, tight corsetting was most likely the cause of indigestion and constipation but rarely the cause for a plethora of ailments associated with tight corsetting at the time ranging from hysteria to liver failure.[citation needed
Spanx is the modern corset.  I became hysterical.  I sat in church contemplating the Eternities when suddenly I found myself standing atop my chair and shouting,

"I did this for YOU, People!!  And you don't even CARE!  Nobody loves me! Waaaaaaahaaaaaaaaaa!"

It's true.  Nobody cares that you're wearing expandable sausage casing under your dress.  Nobody cares you can't breathe.  Nobody cares you may go ballistic during the opening hymn entitled Where Can I Turn For Peace...  Peace ain't found in a package of Spanx, I can tell ya that!

Spanx claims the search for a higher power is over. 

Spanx promotes LYING!  The Spanx wearing woman saunters about in her Blubber Buster and fools everyone into believing All Is Well In Zion.  All Is Well.  But wo unto the liar for he shall be thrust down to Hell! 

Women don't look like smoothed out Barbie dolls in real life!  And guess what?  Yo man don't care!  He wants to handle you sans weird body shaping wear.  He digs you as you IS!  I promise it's true.

Go ahead and hide those muffin tops and saddle bags, Ladies.  You're only hurting yourselves...

PS  I.  Can't.  Breathe.