GREAT NEWS!
I MADE MEATLOAF TODAY! I made an entire meal centered around a loaf of meat. Enormous baked potato. Red Leaf lettuce salad. Ice cream for dessert.
I'm HAPPY! Here comes the sun... And i say It's alright...Little darlin' it's been a long cold lonely winter... It feels like years since it's been here....
For the last year-ish I haven't cooked much.
My mother knew I was out of commission. Lights on. Nobody home. HELLO??? MCFLY!!!! MCFLY???!!! She fed my family. I stared at the wall and watched the shadows change.
The clouds that hung over me were far too dark for cooking. I couldn't see. I couldn't breathe. Yet my lungs kept filling with oxygen. Inhale poison. Exhale madness.
I wrote blogs through a haze and included pictures of myself to ensure I got out of bed and brushed my teeth. I wanted to make sure I was beautiful on the outside to combat the hideous within. A picture of Dorian Grey.
I wanted to make sure I was still alive. I wasn't. You would never know.
I was Jonah asleep at the bottom of the ship as angry waves tossed the vessel to and fro. I was Jonah and people around me were Shipmasters, "What meanest thou, O sleeper? Arise and call upon your God." I was swallowed by a big fish and sat in mucus and bile.
A sharp knife was appealing for cutting out pain. If I created physical pain I could kill emotional devastation.
Does this make you uncomfortable? Too real? Try living it.
"I think about cutting myself all the time," I told Coral.
She nodded her understanding. "Don't."
I heard her voice when I was alone. It saved me. "Don't."
I didn't. But the thought was always there. It followed me to my nightly bubble bath where I imagined the water swirling red about my thighs. The fantasy brought minor relief.
I could do it if I so chose. I can't control much in my life. But I can control THIS. And no one can stop me. I thought.
I prayed it away every time. Prayed naked on my knees with my forehead to the bathroom floor. I was stripped of clothes, stripped of pride and stripped of sanity.
I've always been a happy one. Always! Little Mary Sunshine. Strong. Smiley. Sassy. Pleaser. Ask anyone who knows me! Never battled depression because depression is for the weak minded and selfish, isn't it? I had always thought so.
She crashed down and broke me. Depression broke everything inside. She depressed my soul with a heavy hand and kept pushing.
I smiled for the people. I smiled for you.
"Don't publish this, Crys," says the voice of reason in my head. "Write something funny instead."
MEATLOAF IS MY TRIUMPH!
My success today is a tube of ground beef. Today I am HAPPY!
I have fought and victory is mine.
I wielded a sharp knife and cut carrots and celery. My mind was free and clean and pure. Light and energy shot out from every pore of my body like a light house.
"Let your light so shine before men that they may see.... and glorify your Father..."
I invited my parents to share this Loaf of Meaty Bliss. They enjoyed the meal and even went for seconds ON PURPOSE. (I'm a damn good cook... Never use a recipe... that's how you know...)
I cried tears of Joy and relief to be out of the water. Out if the belly of the whale. Bathing in sunlight and Grace. I hugged them both. Grateful for everyday miracles.
I sang, "Here comes the sun... Here comes the sun... And I say it's alright... The smiles returning to the faces... ".
I'm done LOAFIN' AROUND. Come on, get HAPPY!
