Tuesday, September 21, 2010



I MADE MEATLOAF TODAY!  I made an entire meal centered around a loaf of meat.  Enormous baked potato.  Red Leaf lettuce salad. Ice cream for dessert.

I'm HAPPY!   Here comes the sun...  And i say It's alright...Little darlin' it's been a long cold lonely winter... It feels like years since it's been here.... 

For the last year-ish I haven't cooked much. 

My mother knew I was out of commission.  Lights on. Nobody home.  HELLO??? MCFLY!!!!  MCFLY???!!! She fed my family. I stared at the wall and watched the shadows change.

The clouds that hung over me were far too dark for cooking.  I couldn't see.  I couldn't breathe. Yet my lungs kept filling with oxygen.  Inhale poison.  Exhale madness.

I wrote blogs through a haze and included pictures of myself to ensure I got out of bed and brushed my teeth.  I wanted to make sure I was beautiful on the outside to combat the hideous within.  A picture of Dorian Grey.

I wanted to make sure I was still alive.  I wasn't.  You would never know. 

I was Jonah asleep at the bottom of the ship as angry waves tossed the vessel to and fro.  I was Jonah and people around me were Shipmasters, "What meanest thou, O sleeper?  Arise and call upon your God."  I was swallowed by a big fish and sat in mucus and bile.

A sharp knife was appealing for cutting out pain.  If I created physical pain I could kill emotional devastation.

Does this make you uncomfortable?  Too real?   Try living it.

"I think about cutting myself all the time," I told Coral.

She nodded her understanding.  "Don't."

I heard her voice when I was alone.  It saved me.  "Don't."

I didn't.  But the thought was always there.  It followed me to my nightly bubble bath where I imagined the water swirling red about my thighs.  The fantasy brought minor relief.

I could do it if I so chose.  I can't control much in my life.  But I can control THIS. And no one can stop me.  I thought.

I prayed it away every time.  Prayed naked on my knees with my forehead to the bathroom floor.  I was stripped of clothes, stripped of pride and stripped of sanity.

I've always been a happy one. Always!  Little Mary Sunshine.  Strong. Smiley. Sassy. Pleaser.  Ask anyone who knows me!  Never battled depression because depression is for the weak minded and selfish, isn't it?  I had always thought so.

She crashed down and broke me.  Depression broke everything inside.  She depressed my soul with a heavy hand and kept pushing.

 I smiled for the people.  I smiled for you.

"Don't publish this, Crys," says the voice of reason in my head.  "Write something funny instead."


My success today is a tube of ground beef.  Today I am HAPPY!

I have fought and victory is mine. 

I wielded a sharp knife and cut carrots and celery.  My mind was free and clean and pure.  Light and energy shot out from every pore of my body like a light house.

"Let your light so shine before men that they may see.... and glorify your Father..."

I invited my parents to share this Loaf of Meaty Bliss.  They enjoyed the meal and even went for seconds ON PURPOSE.  (I'm a damn good cook... Never use a recipe... that's how you know...)

I cried tears of Joy and relief to be out of the water.  Out if the belly of the whale. Bathing in sunlight and Grace.  I hugged them both. Grateful for everyday miracles.

I sang, "Here comes the sun... Here comes the sun... And I say it's alright... The smiles returning to the faces... ".

I'm done LOAFIN' AROUND.  Come on, get HAPPY!