JAZZ HAND
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO!
BIKINI SEASON IS UPON US! AHHHHHHHH!
In the last week I’ve had at least 10 women ask what they gotta do to get in shape.
I’m gonna combine all those ladies into one fictitious chick so when can conversate for anyone who cares to hear what I’ve got to say on the subject. We’ll call my fake friend, SLIM LADY.
Me: Sup Slim? How u been?
SL: I’m super flabby and fat. How do I get skinny?
Me: EAT! And you DON’T wanna be SKINNY. Ewwwwww!
SL: Huh? All I had today was a piece of toast and like 3 grapes. And I think I DO want to be skinny.
Me: That’s so BAD!!!!! Do you WANT to be a skinny fat chick????
SL: A skinny fat chick? What does that even mean???
Me: You KNOW what it means! Do you WANT to be soft in all the WRONG places? Do you WANT flabby arms and love handles hangin’ over your jeans?
SL: No… I weigh myself everyday…. And…
Me: THROW YOUR SCALE AWAY!
SL: But I’m obsessed with my scale! I weigh myself before and after I PEE! I HAVE to know how much I weigh.
Me: Why? Who cares what you weigh? Don’t you care more about how you LOOK? Don’t you care more about how you FEEL?
SL: Well yeah… so what do I do?
Me: Don’t count calories. Count protein grams. Eat LOTS of veggies… WITHOUT RANCH!!! Drink TONS of water. Do cardio. And start lifting weights…
SL: Oh I don’t have time to workout….
Me: Yes you do.
SL: No, I really don’t. I have 3, 4, 5 + kids and I work and I’m always tired and….blah blah blah….
Me: DO WANT TO GET TIGHT?
SL: Yeah.
Me: IF YOU WANT IT BADLY ENOUGH YOU’LL HAVE IT! Put those kids to bed and drag your tired booty to the gym. MAKE time. Make it a PRIORITY. If you REALLY want it you’ll HAVE IT! I promise.
SL: Well maybe I’ll start slow. I already sometimes do Mickey Mouse Aerobics in my living room.
Me: NOOOOOOO! HIT IT LIKE THAT ASTERIOD HIT WISCONSIN! SCARE THE HELL OUTTA EVERYBODY! BOOM! INTENSITY IS THE NAME OF THE GAME!
SL: Those guys in the gym make me nervous. I feel self-conscious.
Me: GET OVER IT! Get in there and get RETARDED. GET STANKY SWEATY. MAKE THEM WONDER IF SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN!
SL: I don’t know about weight lifting…
Me: You gotta get TIGHT with your body and tight IN your body! Get straight-up COMFY in your skin. Don’t let ANYONE make you feel self-conscious! Don’t let random MEATHEADS rob you of what you NEED to be happy!
CONVO OVER.
So that’s what I have to say on the subject. I know what I’m talkin’ about. I’ve done the work. I drag my exhausted booty to the gym rain, snow or shine. My body is important to me! (I typed ’impotent’ at first, so now I’m laughing cuz my body is not impotent to me…. I digress…)
Where was I? Oh yeah. MY BODY IS IMPORTANT TO ME! I LIVE IN HERE! Ya know? I can’t escape my body. I’m stuck in this tabernacle of clay for the duration so I’m gonna make the best of it! If you believe your body is a temple (which I do) you’ll put YOU first!
Somebody recently told me that when you ride in an airplane you are advised to put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF first. You can’t help anyone else if you are suffocating. And you can’t be your best for those around you when you don’t FEEL your best.
It really irritates me when people say, “You are so lucky to have such a nice figure.” I’m not lucky! I quite literally work my ASS off! I turn down donuts and Doritos when I crave them. I control how much food goes into my mouth. I THINK before I eat.
Today I lifted chest and triceps. I also spent half an hour on the elliptical. Then I sucked down a protein shake and a few fresh strawberries. Then I went to the park and PLAYED WITH MY KIDS! I didn't just WATCH. I totally ran around and hung upside down. My muscles feel TIGHT! I feel tight WITH my body and tight IN my body.
I feel like a million bucks and THAT’S TIGHT!
