Friday, November 6, 2009

Cruisin for a Bruisin: Part 1

I just got back from a cruise with my mother. There were a lot of old people on the ship. Not that there is anything wrong with old people, of course. If I don't die I will actually be an old person myself. But most old people dont think they're old, do they?

When I was 15 I thought 30 was very close to decrepit. When I was 20 I thought 40 was a good time for a heart attack. Dying of old age meant the person was about 60 or so... My views have changed drastically.

So back to the ship...

I heard a woman with very fuzzy white hair say, "there are a lot of q-tip heads on this ship." Then she leaned in to her friend and said, "don't worry. You're not a q-tip head." I wanted to hear the rest of the conversation but my laughter was so abrupt I startled myself and the q-tip heads next to me.

Upon entering the ship I thought, "huh. so THIS is a cruise ship. Spacious." Then I rolled my luggage to my stateroom (or cabin). #11629. Could this be right? The space was the size of my bathroom at home with two itty bitty twin beds on either side. NO WINDOWS. Panic overtook me temporarily, but I knew my mother was anxiously watching my face so I smiled broadly.

"Well! THIS IS COZY!!" I said with enthusiasm. "I COULD GET USED TO THIS!" Then I proceeded to hit my head very very hard on the folded bunk above my bed. Not to worry... I got used to hitting my head over the course of the 10 days. Everytime I bonked my noggin anew Mom would smile, "Careful. Don't hit your head." It got to be quite funny and eventually I began hitting my head purposefully and with purpose.

As I mentioned before, there were a lot of old people on the vessel. Have you ever seen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? I love that movie. There is a magical land where all the children are locked up because the King and Queen detest kids. There is not a child to be found in the entire blessed town. That's how it was on the Norwegian Jewel. I was the only "child" in sight.

And I was watched. I was watched closely. So... I found ways to entertain the specatators.

One method of entertainment which gave me scads of pleasure was to run down the narrow halls in the middle of the night and knock on all the doors which read "Do Not Disturb". Sometimes I even kicked a door or two and yelled "Room Service!" At first my mother was appalled by my behavior but later she joined me and we frolicked like Puff the Magic Dragon and Little Jackie Paper. (That song is about smoking weed, by the way... It's really fine as long as you don't inhale.)

I also derived great joy from singing. I love to sing. I'm a little song bird, folks. Can't be helped. It's a tick of mine that can't be remedied. Sooooo...I sang. I would sing loudly and without warning on elevators and tour buses and whilst loading up my tray at the Garden Buffet. (Tray and Buffet rhyme... Rhyming is fun!)

What did I sing? Well mostly I broke out into Disney faves such as "He's a Tramp" and "Who's afriad of the Big Bad Wolf". Bum bum bum woof... Catchy lyrics, right? Some q-tip heads liked my singing and smiled. Others just looked startled and avoided eye contact as if my singing malady might be contagious.To some it was... I eventually got an entire tour bus of people singing "Clementine" completely offkey. I was the puppet master of the sad and gray. Thanks to me they had a swingin time. :)

I also enjoyed strutting around in form fitting clothes. I enjoy that evreyday, but I especially loved it on the ship. I made a point of looking the older gentleman in the eye and smiling brightly. Their wives highly disapproved of this behavior but I thought I'd let the fellas feel like they still had It.

I can hear them now, "I've still got It, Marge. That young filly thinks I'm hot stuff! Now give me some sugar." Poor Marge. If her room was as small as mine she had no escape from the inevitable. The "It" in question was ready for some attention.

On one occasion when I wasn't trying to make eye contact with anyone but was actually minding my own buisness a man stared holes through my clothes. Mom saw him from afar looking me up and down and then up again. He was so distracted by yours truly he didn't notice Mom. She walked right up to the man (who happened to be sitting with his wife), put her face a foot from his and said, "BOO!"

I gasped. His wife gasped. He was stunned. Once out of sight, I laughed until I couldn't breathe.

That's another pastime I found entertaining. Laughing. I seriously LOVE to laugh. I laugh hard and loud and without reserve. My mom says I get that quality from my destitute family in Mexico. They laugh at everything and nothing with wild abandon. They entertain themselves because they have no money to BE entertained.

I think most things are funny. If I glance at a person for just long enough I always find something to laugh about. I'm not mean spirited. Just playful. If I look at any given situation i can't help but find the funny.

Old folks don't like my hysterical laughing, which really just makes it worse. On a tour bus to the home of fictional Anne of Greene Gables, I sustained constant dirty looks from passengers because the giggles got me and wouldn't let go. I wish i could remember what i found so funny. Perhaps the cow on the side of the road with lopsided udders. Or the lady in front of me with unnaturally bright red hair. Or the man with his pants pulled up to his nipples. I'm sure none of you sane people would laugh at the things I find hystrical. At one point Mom leaned over to me and said, "These people are going to think you're retarded because you laugh at nothing!" BLAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

The scene in Mary Poppins when they sing "I Love to Laugh" is my fave. "Some people laugh through their teeth, goodness sake... hissing like snakes...". In the movie they rise to the ceiling with the sheer joy of laughter. The point in the movie is that laughter is contagious. Not so for the passengers of destination Anne. Through trial and error I have learned excessive laughter is irritating to some. Not that I care. I'm just sayin.

In short, I made great sport of annoying fellow guests. Some elderly couples would go to great lengths to avoid sitting anywhere near the mentally challenged brunette and her mother. I didn't mind. I actually kinda liked i made a name for myself. I was letting my freak flag fly as I always do. As I always say, 'boring is the greatest sin'. (Actually, I've never said that before, but I like it and will begin to use it regularly.)