Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Lopsided Boob

Some people are lopsided boobs. Often when people (men) hear the word BOOBS they perk right up. The word and the image make them mad, I tell you, simply mad. The idea is something comforting, exciting and, for the most part, symetrical. But what if the breasts in question are shockingly disimilar in size. Imagine the disappointment and shock at such a discovery. I believe some PEOPLE are lopsided boobs. He or she may look appealing on the outside but once you are intimately aquainted you may discover they are, in fact, boobs (and lopsided ones at that).

I am resolutely qualified to discuss this matter because at one point I HAD lopsided boobs.

I nursed all four of my children. I loved nursing.

I felt wounded when my second child decided to wean herself. Mid-breast feeding one day she just stopped. She drained the right breast completely and when I offered her the left she turned up her nose. Well! You can imagine my disdain. There she was. Smug as could be with her mouth clamped shut. She had had enough. Try as I might I could not get her to nurse any longer. She wanted real food.

So I sat. One udder completely drained of fluid and the other bursting at the seams. Engorged like a water balloon the second before it explodes. I was beside myself. Would I stay like this forever? What could be done? To make matters worse my child staged her boob strike on a Sunday morning right before church. What to do? Well, I'll tell ya. I put my bra on one boob at a time just like everybody else. I made up for the deflated breast with a couple of tube socks and proceeded to worship as I did every week. If anyone noticed I looked particularly lumpy on the left they were kind enough not to comment.

That night I stood before my husband. Topless.


His mouth was agape. No words escaped. He looked horrified. Positively horrified.

The next day I went to see Doc Giles. I explained to him my dilemma. He looked amused. I was sure he thought, "Well THIS I gotta see". So I stripped and he stared.

"Ummm. Just a moment while I grab my nurse," he said.

She entered the room. Now they both stared. She squeezed the larger one and white liquid went flying through the air like a shooting star. If you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are... She cleared her throat and tried to hide a smirk, then excused herself. I thought I might die of shame.

I don't remember what the doc said to do the alleviate the problem. I ended up staging a strike of my own against my child. I refused to feed her until she was hungry enough to drain me out. Weaning complete.

What is the point of this story, you ask? You might think I've told the story for the shock value or because I have no idea what is considered inappropriate conversation in polite company or to completely humiliate my father and brother who may or may not read this. Some people are lopsided boobs...

Many celebrities belong in the lopsided boob category. I'll name a few.

Chris Brown beat the crap out of his girlfriend, Rihanna. He looked to be a handsome, talented, decent guy. But come to discover he is actually an enormous boob, isn't he?

Jon Gosselin cheated on and is in the process of divorcing Kate after siring a pregnancy that resulted in 8 babies. I'd say that makes him a class A lopsided boob.

I happen to think Hugh Heffner, the founder of Play Boy Mag, is a nasty, saggy, shriveled old lopsided boob. He uses his influence, wealth and power to exploit young girls with no education or self-esteem to speak of. Men who support Hugh or his revolting magazine are also lopsided boobs. This means you.

Women can also carry the title of lopsided boob. I have a good friend that tells me her sister has slept with dozens of married men and two married women. She regularly tries to entice my friend's husband to look at her in wanton ways. Disgusting. She is a lopsided boob.

You see the point I am trying to make here. A person may seem appealing on the outside but once the protective shield of lies is uncovered we see the monstrosity for what it really is. We stand with mouths agape. Horrified. We all know people who fit this description. I find it heartbreaking when such a discovery is made. I like to have faith in people. I try to be trusting. Often I feel duped and silly when I come to discover that if I'd only looked a bit closer I would have seen the unnatural lumps created by tube socks. I suppose the only thing I can do is to strive not to BE a lopsided boob. If we could all strive for such a goal the world would be a far, far better place.