Monday, August 24, 2009

I'm Bringing Sexy Back

A man I had never spoken to approached me at the health club a month ago. "You are looking SO thin.," he said.  "I mean, I have never seen you looking so THIN!."  Then he stood there like a jackass and stared at me for an explanation.  I had a bit of fun.  I looked him straight in the eye and replied, "I'm anorexic."

 I am not anorexic.  I LOVE food. I gave it up for a time and I'll tell you why... 

I have this friend.  Let's call her Slim, shall we?  Slim is very...well... slim.  Slim used to be quite chunky but one fine day she decided to stop eating.  She was tired of feeling short and squat.  She was tired of pouring over fashion mags, adoring the clothes and hating the models who wore them.  She was tired of people saying she looked "healthy".  She didn't WANT  to look healthy! She wanted to look....slim.

Slim and I were best of friends.  Or so I thought.  On the surface our relationship was fun, all banter and cupcakes.  Beneath her healthy exterior, however, Slim felt bitterness in my presence.  I was taller and slimmer than Slim.  Whenever we were in public she noticed how both men and women would automatically focus in on me because of those factors. (I also have really big boobs...)

Slim had had enough!  So she lost weight.  She lost a lot of weight.  Suddenly Slim was slim and I felt.... *gasps in horror* FAT!  I could not come to terms with this new dynamic.  It made no sense in my tiny pea brain.  Slim was supposed to be chubby and I was supposed to be slim!! I had entered a new alternate dimension.  In addition to the fact that Slim was now the slimmest in the land, she had also developed a new found confidence.  I was treading uncharted waters.  When we now got together I saw a glint in her eye.  It was an evil glint of pleasureful satisfaction.  The glint said, "I am slim and you're a slut...".  Wait. No.  It didn't say that. It said, "I am slim.  I am slimmer than you."  Smug. Smug. Smug.

I had to retaliate!  So I ran.  I ran everyday.  I ran for 13 miles without stopping.  It didn't work.  Slim was still slimmer.  So I stopped eating.  Two can play at this game, I thought feircely.  Who needs food??? Not me! No sir.  I began to eat very little.  When I felt dizzy I ate a bit more.. maybe a cracker or a grape. It worked!! Halleluiah!  I was bone thin!  Slim even commented (halfheartedly- or maybe she was just weak from lack of food...), "you look really skinny lately".  I was in the running once again!  AND IN THIS CORNEEEERRR  CRYSTAL PISTOL  BLAH BLAH BLAH VS SLIM SHADY!!!!!  Ha! I thought to myself, "Whoz the REAL Slim Shady?  I'M the Slim Shady.

I was so elated with my weight loss I smiled at my naked reflection in the mirror.  Upon further contemplation my smile faded.  Where oh where had my juicy, round hiney gone????!!!!  It was *cough. choke* FLAT!!! And my face! Oh the horror!  My face looked gaunt and skeletal.  Two beady, brown eyes stared back me.  The boney face spoke, "This will NEVER do."  I called my husband in a frantic tizzy.  "Hey Big Poppa!  Look.  There's been an emergency!  I've lost my ass.  Its completely GONE! I'm going to need a dozen donuts from that place I love and some chicken wings STAT!".

Since that experience I've happily put back on a few pounds.  I'm shocked how little time it took to get so slim in the first place.  Appearantly food does serve its purpose.  I'm pleased to say my Lovely Lady Lumps have returned.  That's right folks. Little in the middle but she got much back.  I'm bringing sexy back.